I'd love to see you write about making changes (to be different, in life) when things are good, but not great. Why it's important to do and how it can be done. I think most off us know how to jump off the sinking ship, but what about when the ship is just lightly leaking?
I've made the changes before when things were good, and in hindsight the series of changes were the best decisions of my life. But a decade later, despite that lived experience, I'm sitting in uncertainty again about how to do it.
Yes, this is one of life’s greatest dilemmas. To be or not to be different. And choosing to be different doesn’t mean greatness. It’s something that each individual must wrestle with and decide for themselves. I struggle everyday with it and it can be exhausting. I find it more exhausting to be inauthentic. I wish luck to every person struggling with which way to go. Neither one is easier if you ask me.
I stayed up all night Monday with intermittent bouts of sobbing because it pains me so intensely to see my son suffer for being different from the society in which we live. One where conformity and boundaries are highly valued.
I grew up in another country, at another time, and there I was different too. But I survived. I managed, I waited for my time to come, because I knew it would eventually.
My boy does not have the tools to do this. Why? Did I miss something in raising him?
Ai, this topic hits awfully close to home right now.
Your pain touches my heart. I had a friend with a brilliant son who was different and had no friends. She found him cool outside of school hobbies. Like writing to his favorite authors and asking for autographs. It made him stand out and made “normal” (read: boring) kids jealous. Help your child find his niche. Oddball interests, experimenting with ideas, etc. I’m rooting for you!!!
Albert, I agree. Books saved me. Our house is full of books and newspapers and magazines, my husband and I are always reading. So it is that much more inexplicable that my son is not a reader. The only explanation I find is that he has very strong ADHD, maybe finds it harder to get engrossed. We've had some luck with graphic novels over the years, but he does not find the complete escape in reading that I always have. Breaks my heart.
The beauty is that the fear you feel about doing the thing to make you different is actually the direction you want to go.
Think of it as risk management. You don't have to go completely full out all the time, you're merely managing the risks involved with taking a small step. Test. Iterate. Ten thousand people might like it, but maybe one hundred will. Try it again with some modifications. See what happens.
Life is an experiment. Live like it and you will get more comfortable with being different than.
One of the statements I love:
- Be better than: Always harder to make since there is always someone better than you in a specific area
- Be worse than: This will not make you stand out at all and in fact will make things harder for you to be noticed.
- Be different than: This is where you make your most impact. Where you become the number 1 in your redefined field.
Ah man, I woke up this morning and spent 30-45 minutes lying in bed thinking about all of this. The tension between wanting comfort and wanting to not pretend can be torturous.
Interestingly, I've often felt this but kind of backwards. I'll feel different, but not know exactly what makes me different until I stop to think about it.
In college, I would see the crowds all dressed the same, talking the same, and feel like a different species entirely. But when I took stock, it's because my life, choices, and purpose for being in college was very different. I was older, didn't live on campus, took the bus, had other jobs, took challenging coursework, because I needed a degree, I was paying for it myself, and I wanted to do my very best to make the experience worth it. So yeah, I was (and still am) different.
Once again, great writing, Chris. Questions that need to be asked. When out shopping, I say Good Morning to elderly people while shopping. A few folks may look at me like a cunning pickpocket. However, most look relieved and pleased that civility isn't totally extinct.
Mine too, and I've been an amateur shrink to my professional adventure junkie/bum lifestyle in the tropical jungle of Nicaragua, a land of volcanoes and lagoons.
What about just wanting to be authentically yourself? Is that "different"? What about people who have no choice? People who are neurodivergent or have a disability. I guess I'm not sure about the definition of "different" as you propose it.
I want to be myself. I show up in the world as the person I most want to be as often as I can. Does that make me different? I have no idea. Most of the time I just don't care.
I grew up never really fitting in and not really understanding why. It was very isolating. I didn't really start to make friends until I was in HIGH SCHOOL. This has stunted me in some ways. Emotionally and mentally (but not cognitively,) I'm about 20 years behind other people my age. (I'm in my mid-50s now.)
I recognized, even as a child, that there was something wrong, but all my mom and grandmother ever Said was, "Oh, honey--you're just DIFFERENT," which was not helpful. If we had addressed it when I was a kid, having problems, my life might be very different now. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and that has definitely held me back in some ways.
So no. Being "different"--actually BEING different--is not "cool." It's very, very hard, and some people don't make it.
And learn to advocate for yourself. You will need to be a one person social movement. There will be gatekeepers everywhere to be sure you conform. It's a lot worse than just "misunderstood". Make no mistake....it's a one size fits all world because most people are other people. And the world is built to make sure of it.
I’ve definitely been wrastling with this notion for the last few months, and certainly weighing the costs here and there. But being different is something I’ll always be willing to pay if it means I can be myself, regardless of what people may think or accept as part of the popular culture.
This is very timely and I thank you for your words.
I dearly love my life as a farmer and environmentalist, but I've often been on the outside of things and this week in particular has been rough.
It's only been in the last couple of years that I've embraced my own authenticity and my weirdness, finding freedom in solitude. There will be the occasional down day, like today, but--for me--it's worth every struggle. To build my own ecological preserve, to protect just this one piece of Earth...that is meaningful to me.
I'd love to see you write about making changes (to be different, in life) when things are good, but not great. Why it's important to do and how it can be done. I think most off us know how to jump off the sinking ship, but what about when the ship is just lightly leaking?
I've made the changes before when things were good, and in hindsight the series of changes were the best decisions of my life. But a decade later, despite that lived experience, I'm sitting in uncertainty again about how to do it.
Great insight!
Yes, this is one of life’s greatest dilemmas. To be or not to be different. And choosing to be different doesn’t mean greatness. It’s something that each individual must wrestle with and decide for themselves. I struggle everyday with it and it can be exhausting. I find it more exhausting to be inauthentic. I wish luck to every person struggling with which way to go. Neither one is easier if you ask me.
I stayed up all night Monday with intermittent bouts of sobbing because it pains me so intensely to see my son suffer for being different from the society in which we live. One where conformity and boundaries are highly valued.
I grew up in another country, at another time, and there I was different too. But I survived. I managed, I waited for my time to come, because I knew it would eventually.
My boy does not have the tools to do this. Why? Did I miss something in raising him?
Ai, this topic hits awfully close to home right now.
Your pain touches my heart. I had a friend with a brilliant son who was different and had no friends. She found him cool outside of school hobbies. Like writing to his favorite authors and asking for autographs. It made him stand out and made “normal” (read: boring) kids jealous. Help your child find his niche. Oddball interests, experimenting with ideas, etc. I’m rooting for you!!!
I would encourage him to read. And read and read. It's fun being smart, no matter what century we're in. He'll find his way.
Albert, I agree. Books saved me. Our house is full of books and newspapers and magazines, my husband and I are always reading. So it is that much more inexplicable that my son is not a reader. The only explanation I find is that he has very strong ADHD, maybe finds it harder to get engrossed. We've had some luck with graphic novels over the years, but he does not find the complete escape in reading that I always have. Breaks my heart.
The beauty is that the fear you feel about doing the thing to make you different is actually the direction you want to go.
Think of it as risk management. You don't have to go completely full out all the time, you're merely managing the risks involved with taking a small step. Test. Iterate. Ten thousand people might like it, but maybe one hundred will. Try it again with some modifications. See what happens.
Life is an experiment. Live like it and you will get more comfortable with being different than.
One of the statements I love:
- Be better than: Always harder to make since there is always someone better than you in a specific area
- Be worse than: This will not make you stand out at all and in fact will make things harder for you to be noticed.
- Be different than: This is where you make your most impact. Where you become the number 1 in your redefined field.
Ah man, I woke up this morning and spent 30-45 minutes lying in bed thinking about all of this. The tension between wanting comfort and wanting to not pretend can be torturous.
Thank you for writing this
Be passionate in following your passion and you'll be different.
Interestingly, I've often felt this but kind of backwards. I'll feel different, but not know exactly what makes me different until I stop to think about it.
In college, I would see the crowds all dressed the same, talking the same, and feel like a different species entirely. But when I took stock, it's because my life, choices, and purpose for being in college was very different. I was older, didn't live on campus, took the bus, had other jobs, took challenging coursework, because I needed a degree, I was paying for it myself, and I wanted to do my very best to make the experience worth it. So yeah, I was (and still am) different.
Once again, great writing, Chris. Questions that need to be asked. When out shopping, I say Good Morning to elderly people while shopping. A few folks may look at me like a cunning pickpocket. However, most look relieved and pleased that civility isn't totally extinct.
wow this is my whole life 🤣 thank you for articulating it so powerfully!
Yep. Been awkward my whole life and am loving seeing so many people embrace being weird.
part of why I moved to and stay in Portland, Oregon.
One of our mottos: "Keep Portland Weird". I do try!
Mine too, and I've been an amateur shrink to my professional adventure junkie/bum lifestyle in the tropical jungle of Nicaragua, a land of volcanoes and lagoons.
What about just wanting to be authentically yourself? Is that "different"? What about people who have no choice? People who are neurodivergent or have a disability. I guess I'm not sure about the definition of "different" as you propose it.
I want to be myself. I show up in the world as the person I most want to be as often as I can. Does that make me different? I have no idea. Most of the time I just don't care.
I grew up never really fitting in and not really understanding why. It was very isolating. I didn't really start to make friends until I was in HIGH SCHOOL. This has stunted me in some ways. Emotionally and mentally (but not cognitively,) I'm about 20 years behind other people my age. (I'm in my mid-50s now.)
I recognized, even as a child, that there was something wrong, but all my mom and grandmother ever Said was, "Oh, honey--you're just DIFFERENT," which was not helpful. If we had addressed it when I was a kid, having problems, my life might be very different now. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and that has definitely held me back in some ways.
So no. Being "different"--actually BEING different--is not "cool." It's very, very hard, and some people don't make it.
Love your work, Chris!
Hey! You're different, like me! Maybe? But I do relate to emotionally stunted growth.*
I found a LOT of other people mirroring my thoughts when I did m my MBTI.
Thank you for sharing. 🫶
(*See me using emojis mimicking teen body language, at 44, as evidence ha!)
Life should be an experiment.
It is and it blows up every once in a while, it's a mess, and there's no replacement, until we drop dead for real!
And learn to advocate for yourself. You will need to be a one person social movement. There will be gatekeepers everywhere to be sure you conform. It's a lot worse than just "misunderstood". Make no mistake....it's a one size fits all world because most people are other people. And the world is built to make sure of it.
Well said!
I’ve definitely been wrastling with this notion for the last few months, and certainly weighing the costs here and there. But being different is something I’ll always be willing to pay if it means I can be myself, regardless of what people may think or accept as part of the popular culture.
💯
This is very timely and I thank you for your words.
I dearly love my life as a farmer and environmentalist, but I've often been on the outside of things and this week in particular has been rough.
It's only been in the last couple of years that I've embraced my own authenticity and my weirdness, finding freedom in solitude. There will be the occasional down day, like today, but--for me--it's worth every struggle. To build my own ecological preserve, to protect just this one piece of Earth...that is meaningful to me.
Your post suggests we have a choice. (perhaps the question should be "to mask or unmask".)