This got me thinking: for almost all of human existence, we never needed to plan to see our friends. We coexisted in community. You wake up, and you’re seeing your community.
So it makes sense that in modernity, it feels unnatural to always be planning.
If you’ve ever lived in community, whether it’s a coliving house, in Greek life, in a kibbutz, or in an intentional community you know how natural it feels to not plan. You coexist with your community. In some examples, you’re also working alongside, feeding, and caring for each other. It’s incredibly connecting.
If coliving in community isn’t an option, then living close to friends, and making friends with people close to you seems to be a powerful life improvement. Make it more likely that you will run into friends every day. Find people close enough that it’s reasonable to pop over for an hour without a plan.
We can stay connected with people everywhere, and so we do. But now we’re filling up time keeping up with those people instead of investing in more local relationships.
Absolutely. I made most of my adult friends through work in the city. Socializing was easy with lunch and after work get togethers. Now that I no longer work there, getting together with them involves much more planning and travel time. Exhausting.
This is SO REAL One thing that's been working for me is automating plans with the people I care about most. I now have a standing coffee date with my mother on the first Sunday of each month, and meet my best friends for takeout and wine each Tuesday @7pm. This has eliminated the endless text back-and-forth to coordinate, and ensures I see the people I love on a regular basis.
Demand avoidance is real! Making friends as an adult is hard, and demand avoidance makes it harder.
Last year, I was starting to get to know a new friend. She invited me to a sensory-deprivation flotation tank, which is a pretty cool activity. I was excited to float and get to know her better.
But on the day of the float (which had to be planned three weeks in advance, because we’re both entrepreneurs and extremely busy) I DID NOT WANT TO GO. I don’t want to be inside on a beautiful day! It’s going to take the whole afternoon! I don’t want to drive all the way up to Skokie! I don’t want to!!
I forced myself to go anyway, exactly as Chris advises. I ended up LOVING it! I loved the float – it was so relaxing, we both ended up buying a membership and made a monthly friend date to float! We had a great time talking in the lounge with supplemental oxygen prongs in our noses, getting to know each other in a super relaxed, post-float state.
If I hadn’t gone, I might not have deepened my friendship with someone who’s now my best friend. I wouldn’t have learned how much I love sensory deprivation float tanks. I would’ve missed out on a lot. Chris is right. Sometimes that “I don’t want to” impulse is NOT in your favor. Sometimes, as the saying goes, you need to feel the resistance but do it anyway. I’m radically glad I did!
I liked this post. I often feel similar reluctance. I just wanted to add one other reason why I (and maybe some others) do this.... I tend to have mood swings. Often a couple per day.... Sometimes the swings are strong enough that I either really want to hang out with people, or I don't want to hang out at all; I just want to retreat and do something passive. So, sometimes I avoid planning and spending time with friends because I don't know what type of mood I will be in when I see them in the future. Some of my friends I'm able to be in a "low" mood with, at least some of the time. I'm able to be honest with them and tell them how I feel. Other friends I'm just not at that level of intimacy with.... And sometimes I feel so low that I feel I am "inflicting myself" on all people, even my best friends. Anyway, thanks for posting this, and thanks for having this blog.
Had the same ish with not scheduling time for friends I love for years. But, the more I kept seeing the data about the importance of friends in our ability to live good lives, I decided to get proactive and uncomfortable about trying to schedule in-person "friend-tivities" twice a week, and regular text check-ins.
Even when I think I don't have time, I'm on deadline (seems like always these days), and tell myself that the time spent hiking, having coffee, doing absolutely nothing with friends could be used much more productively, I never regret it. Reminds me that, at the end of the day, it's actually about the most important thing. We spend our whole lives working, largely, in the name of being able to spend more time kicking back with those we love. Seems kind of silly not to thread that into the journey, rather than wait until the end.
I used to be the same but i attribute putting off others to the fact that mentally your spending your entire life with others. You need real Me Time. We’ve all heard we need down time to reflect. Important details of the day need sorting, filing and plans or alternatives developed for the next day’s action plan.
But do we really reflect on ourselves? Are we spending time with ourselves? I’ve found i wasn’t reflecting on me, at all, period. Too often, we don’t give ourselves any time. I’m not talking about sitting in front of a Netflix movie or reading a book. I’m talking about focusing on your inner being. I never did that. I thought i was, but i was deluding myself. You know Time Management and all that other people time stuff.
Let me explain. About 13 years ago i was involved in a serious motor vehicle accident. As a matter of fact I’m up at 3 am in the morning writing this note. I’m in hospital right now with major surgery tomorrow.
But in between rehab moments, i found myself alone. My friends still had jobs, my spouse works, kid off to school. Just me. Me and my buddy Sparkie the Dog, a border collie that demands walks. Two per day minimum. I found my mind drifting on my cold beach day walks. Alone well i had Sparkie and he doesn’t drink coffee.
When you love your job, you spend 99 percent of your entire life thinking about it. The people, the deadlines, the problems and solutions. The planes, the hotels, the Job (profession).
I have to walk major walks up to 8 km most days just to not end up in a wheelchair. I love the outdoors but even that can get boring when your outdoors activities are limited to the confines of your walking distance. I’m not keen to hop into a strangers car as my accident involved an unknown driver that permanently disabled me.
As i walked, i began to let my mind drift. So i began to reflect on my life or more specifically, a memory or an activity or a specific interaction or moment with others. Why was this thought or memory coming to me now? What was it about the memory that made it memorable? Think about that. You are stepping back and critically analyzing your actions fairly and without prejudice. Years back, back to the beginning. Who knows you better than you know yourself. Actually, i knew nothing about myself. I had a general idea who i was. What i stood for etc. I found myself evaluating my thoughts and sorting them into three piles. The good, the bad and The Ugly.
First the memory, then the pile sorting , the evaluation and then my verdict. Why did i do what i did in that memory? What could i have done differently? Or if I’m dealing in the good pile, how do i do more of that in my future? I learned more about myself doing this because i had nothing better to do and i was actually spending real time dedicated to me for the first time in my entire 75 years on this planet.
I am and was a deep thinker. I just did not think about me. It was about everything i perceived in my reality space. After about 3 years of “walking “, my self evaluation was completed. In the end it gave me great peace. i unloaded prejudices, biases and just an entire bag of reality perceptions that were just that - bad baggage. Meaningless dribble. I finally knew myself for the first time. Like anything worthwhile, it takes me time and serious effort. But the payback is huge and worth it. Do you really know who you are?
So now my interactions with friends and strangers are much more considerate, enjoyable and meaningful. I understand why i do what i do and say. I’m calmer. I’m more clever. I focus on my strengths and work on my weaknesses. Because i know what they are. Before i didn’t. That’s the difference.
To me your issue of not wanting to catch up is because you already spend all your time occupied with others. There is no is no real ME TIME for you. So the last thing you want to do is go meet up for more of the same friends and strangers time. Because your living outside yourself.
Your brain is an amazing computer. And you know how they tell you you forget most everything when you get older? That’s complete BS. You can recall literally thousands of memories and sort them into your own in boxes. You’ll be surprised when you actually give yourself real me time, just how valuable your me time can be. It takes allot of time and effort. If i were you, I’d probably still be doing the same thing i always did. Focussed on everything except myself. Sit down shut up. Think of three memories and sort them. Evaluate them, judge them. You might be very surprised if you did this for just one hour each day, how much you can learn about yourself. Now your ready to sit down for coffee, and share your true self with others. My two cents worth.
Like others, I was glad to see this articulated. I'm coming from the other side, though. I like to see friends, meet up, and know that means making plans, which I have no problem doing. I've often wondered why others understand plan-commitment so differently. My conclusion is you can only develop a 'real' friendship with those who approach commitments similarly, and that has often seemed a shame since I've known many people I've liked (and who expressed wanting to get together) but were too 'squirrely' for lack of a better word about making plans to develop a connection with. This articulates a lot I've wondered about — is this an executive function issue? a mental health issue? — after awhile it's impossible to not take it personally and give up trying when the work of planning to meet up is one-sided.
Being the lone initiator in a particular group, can lead to some resentment, or wondering if the others’ interest is genuine ( as in if it was wouldn’t they initiate too?). I’ve been there … but over the years individuals have said “so glad you keep getting us together” or similar reinforcement and in later years I’ve been clear to shift the responsibility .
I completely understand what you're saying! There are times I am resentful of being an organizer and times I haven't minded. On the whole, though, I've found to maintain friendships you need to be in sync with others who share similar planning skills and understand commitment in the same way. Otherwise, as people are saying here, it's too frustrating. I appreciate this view from 'the other side' and I try to be sympathetic to others not having the bandwidth — emotionally, or within their skill sets, or mental-health-wise — to plan and commit. But asking others to endlessly accommodate or organize isn't a great plan either.
I think part of it is that seeing them is not "efficient".....tasks are not getting done. I force myself to say that the human part of "my job" is more important or at least as important as "the tasks". I tell myself, repeatedly, when you need help, the tasks are not going to help you, but when you need help on anything, the friends will be there to help.
Yes!! It’s short-sighted to think ‘socializing wastes time’ when first, exactly what are we here for anyway, to be robots of outputting productivity? And second, in the long run, we actually accomplish more by being embedded in a strong, active network of folks we love and care for, who support and nurture us back. Together we rise!
One thing I always keep in mind is: "Hesitation means no."
The idea is too big, it's too vague, it's too scary. It is a deeper thing than what "no" can convey.
It is like the people who protest about the cost of something. They are using that as an excuse to not buy the thing, not the ten other reasons that are really holding them back.
In this case, sometimes friendships just age out. Sometimes being with your old friend is like putting on that old suit that you hate to wear but it has so many good memories attached to it.
If you continue to say no, it very well could be that as well. If someone excites and intrigues you, you'll do anything and everything to be near them, right? No hesitation, no filters, no justification.
However, as we age and we change, the friends don't fit our vision as well.
Heck, I had to do this with six people I knew for over 30 years. It wasn't until the events of another friend's passing exposed some of the flaws in the relationship, but they were always nagging me in the back of my mind.
Don't wait decades to clean out your friend zone. Some flowers look like weeds, and some weeds look like flowers.
Doctors, dentists, therapists, exercising with a friend, so many demands on my time several times a week. I struggle to go and get hair cuts and styles, which I enjoy, because it just seems like another thing I have to do. So I walk-in even when I have to wait to see the stylist or when they seem annoyed because I don't want an appointment.
It would be more efficient to make an appointment and go in, get it done and leave but I always walk-in because I like to get it done in the now and I want it to be a time I take for me to feel like I have control of the time I have right now.
I have found a lot of things come down to control.
I can completely relate. Now I don’t leave any appointment until I schedule the next one (hair, doctor, dentist, therapy). It’s reduced my stress so much.
1. I'm finding that my issue is that I am tired at the end of the day and don't go to the concerts and shows that I would like to go to (mostly performances by friends). It takes a lot of effort to rally. Most of the time one of us needs to stay home and be with our kid, so if I went to the shows I want to go to, I would see my wife even less than I already do. I am also feeling a lot of logistics fatigue because so much of adult life is planning. I actually love surprise visits because of the novelty and the not having to think about it for weeks in advance.
2. The friendships I have made as an adult have been through teaching, making music, going to jams, going to workshops, inviting those people over for dinner, that kind of thing.
3. In general I think I am rather gregarious, but I do need time alone for thinking, making, practicing.
4. We can have coffee next week if you happen to be in Prague.
Yep, yep, yep! I have a friend I need and want to make time for but there's always something else I should be doing. Not. Thanks for the great post, I'm scheduling coffee with her this week!
Holy shit, I feel like I wrote this article (although you phrased it much better than I ever could). It’s an ongoing problem for me. And it hurts my mental health. My husband travels a lot, and I don’t work. When he is away it is crucial for me to have social plans or I end up lonely and slightly depressed sitting at home with nothing important to do. The pattern is very clear. But I always tell myself I should take the time while he’s away to work on my hobbies and do chores and whatever else seems important at the time. But the reality is, these things are not mutually exclusive. My time is very flexible. I CAN do both. Most meetups with friends last a matter of hours. That leaves another 8-10 waking hours every day to do the other things. Yet time still feels scarce. Thanks for putting it in words so eloquently!
I think this makes a lot of sense, then wrap in some of the overthinking you've covered in the other posts... Is it too far in advance? Maybe they don't want to plan ahead. Now, I've waited too long and it's too last minute. Or maybe they haven't invited me out in a while, and even if this person usually says yes (unless they have plans) maybe I'm being annoying... The book Platonic was helpful in thinking through my own attachment issues (and my friends!) but it's still not easy.
This is totally me. And not only friends, but love interests as well. For me, I hate committing to something more than a couple of days away. I used to think it was the "P" in my INFP personality type that likes to leave my options open. I also agree on overriding the urge to cancel and go anyway. 9.9 times out of 10, I've had a good to great time.
For those with a bit of adventure, there used to be this organization where random people would meet at a coffee shop/house at a designated day and time for a couple of hours to discuss various topics. Someone would sign up to organize and facilitate the meet up and pick a day, time, and location. The site would then send an email to all of the members in that particular city with the details for anyone that wanted to sign up to attend. However, the number of attendees was capped at six I believe. I can't remember the name of the organization anymore and not sure if they are still around. Nevertheless, I thought it was a great idea and opportunity to meet random people.
I have a lot of people in my life that do what you do. It is a little frustrating for the person who loves to make time for her friends. I am a very busy person, but I will always pencil in a friend. After a while, I just tend to stop asking and choose doing things alone or with someone else. My thoughts are if you say someone is important to you, but your actions don’t match, then it’s really not that important to you.
You don’t need to spend six hours with a friend, an hour will do.
This got me thinking: for almost all of human existence, we never needed to plan to see our friends. We coexisted in community. You wake up, and you’re seeing your community.
So it makes sense that in modernity, it feels unnatural to always be planning.
If you’ve ever lived in community, whether it’s a coliving house, in Greek life, in a kibbutz, or in an intentional community you know how natural it feels to not plan. You coexist with your community. In some examples, you’re also working alongside, feeding, and caring for each other. It’s incredibly connecting.
If coliving in community isn’t an option, then living close to friends, and making friends with people close to you seems to be a powerful life improvement. Make it more likely that you will run into friends every day. Find people close enough that it’s reasonable to pop over for an hour without a plan.
We can stay connected with people everywhere, and so we do. But now we’re filling up time keeping up with those people instead of investing in more local relationships.
Absolutely. I made most of my adult friends through work in the city. Socializing was easy with lunch and after work get togethers. Now that I no longer work there, getting together with them involves much more planning and travel time. Exhausting.
Such a good point!I sometimes miss the college dorm days when community was baked into daily life...
Making friends who live close by. Yes! I wrote an article on how to make this happen: https://albertideation.com/nextdoor3
This is SO REAL One thing that's been working for me is automating plans with the people I care about most. I now have a standing coffee date with my mother on the first Sunday of each month, and meet my best friends for takeout and wine each Tuesday @7pm. This has eliminated the endless text back-and-forth to coordinate, and ensures I see the people I love on a regular basis.
I like this idea!
I’ve done this for a couple of my friends but now I’m thinking I need to do it with all of them 😁
Demand avoidance is real! Making friends as an adult is hard, and demand avoidance makes it harder.
Last year, I was starting to get to know a new friend. She invited me to a sensory-deprivation flotation tank, which is a pretty cool activity. I was excited to float and get to know her better.
But on the day of the float (which had to be planned three weeks in advance, because we’re both entrepreneurs and extremely busy) I DID NOT WANT TO GO. I don’t want to be inside on a beautiful day! It’s going to take the whole afternoon! I don’t want to drive all the way up to Skokie! I don’t want to!!
I forced myself to go anyway, exactly as Chris advises. I ended up LOVING it! I loved the float – it was so relaxing, we both ended up buying a membership and made a monthly friend date to float! We had a great time talking in the lounge with supplemental oxygen prongs in our noses, getting to know each other in a super relaxed, post-float state.
If I hadn’t gone, I might not have deepened my friendship with someone who’s now my best friend. I wouldn’t have learned how much I love sensory deprivation float tanks. I would’ve missed out on a lot. Chris is right. Sometimes that “I don’t want to” impulse is NOT in your favor. Sometimes, as the saying goes, you need to feel the resistance but do it anyway. I’m radically glad I did!
I liked this post. I often feel similar reluctance. I just wanted to add one other reason why I (and maybe some others) do this.... I tend to have mood swings. Often a couple per day.... Sometimes the swings are strong enough that I either really want to hang out with people, or I don't want to hang out at all; I just want to retreat and do something passive. So, sometimes I avoid planning and spending time with friends because I don't know what type of mood I will be in when I see them in the future. Some of my friends I'm able to be in a "low" mood with, at least some of the time. I'm able to be honest with them and tell them how I feel. Other friends I'm just not at that level of intimacy with.... And sometimes I feel so low that I feel I am "inflicting myself" on all people, even my best friends. Anyway, thanks for posting this, and thanks for having this blog.
Had the same ish with not scheduling time for friends I love for years. But, the more I kept seeing the data about the importance of friends in our ability to live good lives, I decided to get proactive and uncomfortable about trying to schedule in-person "friend-tivities" twice a week, and regular text check-ins.
Even when I think I don't have time, I'm on deadline (seems like always these days), and tell myself that the time spent hiking, having coffee, doing absolutely nothing with friends could be used much more productively, I never regret it. Reminds me that, at the end of the day, it's actually about the most important thing. We spend our whole lives working, largely, in the name of being able to spend more time kicking back with those we love. Seems kind of silly not to thread that into the journey, rather than wait until the end.
I used to be the same but i attribute putting off others to the fact that mentally your spending your entire life with others. You need real Me Time. We’ve all heard we need down time to reflect. Important details of the day need sorting, filing and plans or alternatives developed for the next day’s action plan.
But do we really reflect on ourselves? Are we spending time with ourselves? I’ve found i wasn’t reflecting on me, at all, period. Too often, we don’t give ourselves any time. I’m not talking about sitting in front of a Netflix movie or reading a book. I’m talking about focusing on your inner being. I never did that. I thought i was, but i was deluding myself. You know Time Management and all that other people time stuff.
Let me explain. About 13 years ago i was involved in a serious motor vehicle accident. As a matter of fact I’m up at 3 am in the morning writing this note. I’m in hospital right now with major surgery tomorrow.
But in between rehab moments, i found myself alone. My friends still had jobs, my spouse works, kid off to school. Just me. Me and my buddy Sparkie the Dog, a border collie that demands walks. Two per day minimum. I found my mind drifting on my cold beach day walks. Alone well i had Sparkie and he doesn’t drink coffee.
When you love your job, you spend 99 percent of your entire life thinking about it. The people, the deadlines, the problems and solutions. The planes, the hotels, the Job (profession).
I have to walk major walks up to 8 km most days just to not end up in a wheelchair. I love the outdoors but even that can get boring when your outdoors activities are limited to the confines of your walking distance. I’m not keen to hop into a strangers car as my accident involved an unknown driver that permanently disabled me.
As i walked, i began to let my mind drift. So i began to reflect on my life or more specifically, a memory or an activity or a specific interaction or moment with others. Why was this thought or memory coming to me now? What was it about the memory that made it memorable? Think about that. You are stepping back and critically analyzing your actions fairly and without prejudice. Years back, back to the beginning. Who knows you better than you know yourself. Actually, i knew nothing about myself. I had a general idea who i was. What i stood for etc. I found myself evaluating my thoughts and sorting them into three piles. The good, the bad and The Ugly.
First the memory, then the pile sorting , the evaluation and then my verdict. Why did i do what i did in that memory? What could i have done differently? Or if I’m dealing in the good pile, how do i do more of that in my future? I learned more about myself doing this because i had nothing better to do and i was actually spending real time dedicated to me for the first time in my entire 75 years on this planet.
I am and was a deep thinker. I just did not think about me. It was about everything i perceived in my reality space. After about 3 years of “walking “, my self evaluation was completed. In the end it gave me great peace. i unloaded prejudices, biases and just an entire bag of reality perceptions that were just that - bad baggage. Meaningless dribble. I finally knew myself for the first time. Like anything worthwhile, it takes me time and serious effort. But the payback is huge and worth it. Do you really know who you are?
So now my interactions with friends and strangers are much more considerate, enjoyable and meaningful. I understand why i do what i do and say. I’m calmer. I’m more clever. I focus on my strengths and work on my weaknesses. Because i know what they are. Before i didn’t. That’s the difference.
To me your issue of not wanting to catch up is because you already spend all your time occupied with others. There is no is no real ME TIME for you. So the last thing you want to do is go meet up for more of the same friends and strangers time. Because your living outside yourself.
Your brain is an amazing computer. And you know how they tell you you forget most everything when you get older? That’s complete BS. You can recall literally thousands of memories and sort them into your own in boxes. You’ll be surprised when you actually give yourself real me time, just how valuable your me time can be. It takes allot of time and effort. If i were you, I’d probably still be doing the same thing i always did. Focussed on everything except myself. Sit down shut up. Think of three memories and sort them. Evaluate them, judge them. You might be very surprised if you did this for just one hour each day, how much you can learn about yourself. Now your ready to sit down for coffee, and share your true self with others. My two cents worth.
Wow, ty!
Like others, I was glad to see this articulated. I'm coming from the other side, though. I like to see friends, meet up, and know that means making plans, which I have no problem doing. I've often wondered why others understand plan-commitment so differently. My conclusion is you can only develop a 'real' friendship with those who approach commitments similarly, and that has often seemed a shame since I've known many people I've liked (and who expressed wanting to get together) but were too 'squirrely' for lack of a better word about making plans to develop a connection with. This articulates a lot I've wondered about — is this an executive function issue? a mental health issue? — after awhile it's impossible to not take it personally and give up trying when the work of planning to meet up is one-sided.
Being the lone initiator in a particular group, can lead to some resentment, or wondering if the others’ interest is genuine ( as in if it was wouldn’t they initiate too?). I’ve been there … but over the years individuals have said “so glad you keep getting us together” or similar reinforcement and in later years I’ve been clear to shift the responsibility .
I completely understand what you're saying! There are times I am resentful of being an organizer and times I haven't minded. On the whole, though, I've found to maintain friendships you need to be in sync with others who share similar planning skills and understand commitment in the same way. Otherwise, as people are saying here, it's too frustrating. I appreciate this view from 'the other side' and I try to be sympathetic to others not having the bandwidth — emotionally, or within their skill sets, or mental-health-wise — to plan and commit. But asking others to endlessly accommodate or organize isn't a great plan either.
I think part of it is that seeing them is not "efficient".....tasks are not getting done. I force myself to say that the human part of "my job" is more important or at least as important as "the tasks". I tell myself, repeatedly, when you need help, the tasks are not going to help you, but when you need help on anything, the friends will be there to help.
Yes!! It’s short-sighted to think ‘socializing wastes time’ when first, exactly what are we here for anyway, to be robots of outputting productivity? And second, in the long run, we actually accomplish more by being embedded in a strong, active network of folks we love and care for, who support and nurture us back. Together we rise!
One thing I always keep in mind is: "Hesitation means no."
The idea is too big, it's too vague, it's too scary. It is a deeper thing than what "no" can convey.
It is like the people who protest about the cost of something. They are using that as an excuse to not buy the thing, not the ten other reasons that are really holding them back.
In this case, sometimes friendships just age out. Sometimes being with your old friend is like putting on that old suit that you hate to wear but it has so many good memories attached to it.
If you continue to say no, it very well could be that as well. If someone excites and intrigues you, you'll do anything and everything to be near them, right? No hesitation, no filters, no justification.
However, as we age and we change, the friends don't fit our vision as well.
Heck, I had to do this with six people I knew for over 30 years. It wasn't until the events of another friend's passing exposed some of the flaws in the relationship, but they were always nagging me in the back of my mind.
Don't wait decades to clean out your friend zone. Some flowers look like weeds, and some weeds look like flowers.
Doctors, dentists, therapists, exercising with a friend, so many demands on my time several times a week. I struggle to go and get hair cuts and styles, which I enjoy, because it just seems like another thing I have to do. So I walk-in even when I have to wait to see the stylist or when they seem annoyed because I don't want an appointment.
It would be more efficient to make an appointment and go in, get it done and leave but I always walk-in because I like to get it done in the now and I want it to be a time I take for me to feel like I have control of the time I have right now.
I have found a lot of things come down to control.
I can completely relate. Now I don’t leave any appointment until I schedule the next one (hair, doctor, dentist, therapy). It’s reduced my stress so much.
1. I'm finding that my issue is that I am tired at the end of the day and don't go to the concerts and shows that I would like to go to (mostly performances by friends). It takes a lot of effort to rally. Most of the time one of us needs to stay home and be with our kid, so if I went to the shows I want to go to, I would see my wife even less than I already do. I am also feeling a lot of logistics fatigue because so much of adult life is planning. I actually love surprise visits because of the novelty and the not having to think about it for weeks in advance.
2. The friendships I have made as an adult have been through teaching, making music, going to jams, going to workshops, inviting those people over for dinner, that kind of thing.
3. In general I think I am rather gregarious, but I do need time alone for thinking, making, practicing.
4. We can have coffee next week if you happen to be in Prague.
Yes to sponteneity!
Yep, yep, yep! I have a friend I need and want to make time for but there's always something else I should be doing. Not. Thanks for the great post, I'm scheduling coffee with her this week!
Holy shit, I feel like I wrote this article (although you phrased it much better than I ever could). It’s an ongoing problem for me. And it hurts my mental health. My husband travels a lot, and I don’t work. When he is away it is crucial for me to have social plans or I end up lonely and slightly depressed sitting at home with nothing important to do. The pattern is very clear. But I always tell myself I should take the time while he’s away to work on my hobbies and do chores and whatever else seems important at the time. But the reality is, these things are not mutually exclusive. My time is very flexible. I CAN do both. Most meetups with friends last a matter of hours. That leaves another 8-10 waking hours every day to do the other things. Yet time still feels scarce. Thanks for putting it in words so eloquently!
I think this makes a lot of sense, then wrap in some of the overthinking you've covered in the other posts... Is it too far in advance? Maybe they don't want to plan ahead. Now, I've waited too long and it's too last minute. Or maybe they haven't invited me out in a while, and even if this person usually says yes (unless they have plans) maybe I'm being annoying... The book Platonic was helpful in thinking through my own attachment issues (and my friends!) but it's still not easy.
I sooo relate to the overthinking. I always assume there are reasons it won’t work out and it deters me from trying sometimes.
This is totally me. And not only friends, but love interests as well. For me, I hate committing to something more than a couple of days away. I used to think it was the "P" in my INFP personality type that likes to leave my options open. I also agree on overriding the urge to cancel and go anyway. 9.9 times out of 10, I've had a good to great time.
For those with a bit of adventure, there used to be this organization where random people would meet at a coffee shop/house at a designated day and time for a couple of hours to discuss various topics. Someone would sign up to organize and facilitate the meet up and pick a day, time, and location. The site would then send an email to all of the members in that particular city with the details for anyone that wanted to sign up to attend. However, the number of attendees was capped at six I believe. I can't remember the name of the organization anymore and not sure if they are still around. Nevertheless, I thought it was a great idea and opportunity to meet random people.
I'm organizing something like this.
Feel free to use any part of this
Funconference.me
I have a lot of people in my life that do what you do. It is a little frustrating for the person who loves to make time for her friends. I am a very busy person, but I will always pencil in a friend. After a while, I just tend to stop asking and choose doing things alone or with someone else. My thoughts are if you say someone is important to you, but your actions don’t match, then it’s really not that important to you.
You don’t need to spend six hours with a friend, an hour will do.
People first, then money, , then things.