This article is so timely for me as we have recently heard this label applied to my son. He is 14, bright, strong, kind, well-meaning, and going through what we believe is a period of Autism Burnout as well as magnified demand avoidance. It’s very hard as his parent to know how to help him since my “helping” (e.g. supporting him to meet his stated goals) ends up magnifying the Demand as well as the anxiety and thus heightening the avoidance. It’s ending up in power struggles on one hand and him self-harming on the other.
Even though the Society Voices in my head are telling me I should just get him on track, what’s wrong with me, “if I were you, I’d just make him” . . . I know that approach would lead to more self harm, so I’m trying to figure out other ways.
So I’m trying hard to re-tool and figure out how to be more actually supportive. Thanks for sharing your perspective and for the research links at the end.
As a fellow parent of a PDA kid, I can recommend the At Peace Parenting course with Casey Ehrlich. It helped us wrap our heads around the whole thing and figure out ways to help. There are also an increasing number of Facebook groups dedicated to supporting folks. Good luck!
Woof. This hit the nail on the head for me and something I went into depth with my therapist about just yesterday. I'm less than one hour out from leaving to start a new training program/job for something that I was really excited about...until reality hit and for two weeks now, my anxiety has been spiraling knowing that I'll have to actually uphold to the expectations and demands of a BOSS...as I've been self-employed for the last 11 years. As an HSP with ADHD, losing autonomy and control are deep fears of mine rooted and fertilized by childhood trauma that I am on the brink of unearthing. All of this making for a robust cocktail of anxiety. I know I can leave at any time. I know it won't impact my life drastically if I did decide the new venture wasn't for me or I decided to stay.
All of that to say...thank you for this. Your essay is both validating and comforting. Now it's time for me to dive in regardless of not knowing where my journey will take me. I just have to remember that I am proficient in swimming.
Wow. I can relate to SO much of this. I've hated calling since I was a kid - my mom could never understand it - and I put off important "adult" things until the very last minute. So interesting this has an actual name!
Great post. I can relate to this. I really like the exaggerated celebration following your achievement of a bureaucratic task : ) and the cupcake at the end of this post.
Thank you for the cupcake! 🧁 This post deeply resonated with me and offered yet another reason I feel like I’d be more at home in the UK than the US. I’m a big time avoider of hard things, more accurately things that are hard for me. I joke all the time that I need a personal assistant to cancel my exorbitant subscription services, make all my doctor’s appointments for me, return calls to friends that I assume now hate me for waiting too long to call, and clear out the storage shed I’ve rented and never visited for nearly six years which probably indicates that I’m paying to store massive amounts of things I don’t need. You may have just motivated me to stop joking about it and actually hire a helping hand…if I could only find someone to do THAT for me!
OMG, Chris! This makes so much sense! I've just handed in my two-week notice (fifth time trying to adapt to a regular job with a boss). I always thought I couldn't keep a job longer than 6 months because I was weak and couldn't handle hierarchy... but hey, now I realise that it's not just the bossy thing I can't stand, it's actually any kind of demand, it's PDA! Thank you for this!
Oh boy do I ever relate to this post! I guess I have demand avoidance too. I am avoiding all types of things in an effort to protect my energy. I agree that sometimes it helps me, and other times it doesn’t! Thanks for this case study, I needed to hear it today.
I have it right up until the financial "repercussions" start date. My autonomous pride's not gonna reward THE MAN for his reams of oblique and threatening documentation. This is why I dedicate a full weekend, this time of year, to going through a year's worth of receipts and credit card statements to filter all the health, home office and business expenses into my tax organizer. That's bad, but it gets humiliating after a certain age. You'll get incessant insurance reminders in email AND snail mail (just in case you're still a luddite) to have your annual doctor home visitation during which some sweet retired health provider workin' a side gig asks you to recite three words he gave you three minutes prior while he monitors and records what your Smart Watch could've uploaded to MyChart...if it had that capability. I'm actually a fun person. Just not right before April 15. Thanks for the cupcake and license hack and kudos on getting the dopamine air horn.
Wow. I've been beating myself up and wondering why I can't handle what seems so simple for most people. I now feel more compassion and understanding towards my self, and others. I'm so looking forward to how this awareness will help with all the demanding (needy🤯) people and things.
Thank you so much!
I also enjoyed the cupcake, here's a doughnut 🍩 for you.
CUPCAKES! Also, what a great story/insight/education. I’m illuminated and entertained at the same time. Thank you, and congrats on getting your license. 🥇
Good walk through the behaviors and terminology. Here in the Substack and online community we are building, one by one, for gifted professionals and communicators, the question of demands comes out in conversations about deadlines, which many journalists, authors, and writers have. The popular way to deal with this as a neurodiverse brain is to rapidly transform much of what "I must do" into something "I get to do." Because you are still alive, today, you get to do this. Woo hoo. Bring on the cupcakes.
As a teenager, there were TONS of things I didn't want to do, and they bothered me in some way that I couldn't articulate but this comes close. I don't know when it happened, but at some point I started making myself do the things I hated and focusing on what advantage or benefit I would get out of it. Occasionally I'll put together a "procrastination list" to brain dump all of the things I'm putting off, and try to take some things off the list. I think recognizing my tendency to resist early on, and also seeing the consequences of ignoring important things, helped me to develop strategies to notice and combat it when it comes up. It's also pretty satisfying to discover that a task that seemed HUGE and SCARY was actually not that bad after all.
Speaking of baby steps, I just found this app called Goblin Tools - one of the things it does is break up a task you give it into small steps, and you can define how small you want the steps!
This post kind of made an ATM-machine like sound go off in my head - Wow - this is ME!
I’m a writer (among other things), and deadlines always suck for me. For my regular magazine gig, I have two months between articles, I know the deadlines, and I usually start scheduling interviews during the last 2 - 3 weeks… seriously??? This does not make life easier for anybody, and the whole time I’m procrastinating, I’m very aware of the wolf lurking - or something lurking, anyway - whatever it is, it isn’t good.
I get myself so stressed about getting the thing in on time, that the last week of interviewing and researching and writing and editing can literally make me sick. But my editor is always quite happy with my work, and is always willing to be a bit flexible with the deadline, so the consequences aren’t that dire (except for that whole being sick thing…)
I used to do this in school, too. I’d be up overnight in high school finishing up the 6-page paper (hand-written, y’all, I’m old) that was due in the morning. But the thing was, I’d always get an A, or an A+ even. Which didn’t encourage me to change my pattern of behaviour.
Back to the present - I’m learning to manage my behaviour patterns that are more supportive of overall health and well-being (ADHD medication really helps). I don’t want to keep making myself sick. I’m tired of the whatever-it-is lurking on the periphery.
I’m using tools - like Asana to break down projects into ridiculously easy steps and schedule everything several weeks before the “sh*t, I’m not going to get it done in time” date; like my Google calendar, where I set at least 4 reminders for every appointment or activity that has a particular time/date (like remembering to take the extra dose of my heart meds at midday now since stress lately has triggered the return of PVCs).
At work, when there’s a recurring icky task (and there are several), I just put my head down and start. Once I’ve actually started, they’re not usually too bad, it’s the getting started that’s the real challenge. But then I remember about that lurking discomfort, and how activity tends to banish it, and I just get on with it.
But thanks for the tip about the driver’s license ;-)
Oh, this is amazing. This is ME! I love the term Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. I feel like that describes my issue even better than Demand Avoidance. This makes me feel so valid and seen. I appreciate it!
This article is so timely for me as we have recently heard this label applied to my son. He is 14, bright, strong, kind, well-meaning, and going through what we believe is a period of Autism Burnout as well as magnified demand avoidance. It’s very hard as his parent to know how to help him since my “helping” (e.g. supporting him to meet his stated goals) ends up magnifying the Demand as well as the anxiety and thus heightening the avoidance. It’s ending up in power struggles on one hand and him self-harming on the other.
Even though the Society Voices in my head are telling me I should just get him on track, what’s wrong with me, “if I were you, I’d just make him” . . . I know that approach would lead to more self harm, so I’m trying to figure out other ways.
So I’m trying hard to re-tool and figure out how to be more actually supportive. Thanks for sharing your perspective and for the research links at the end.
As a fellow parent of a PDA kid, I can recommend the At Peace Parenting course with Casey Ehrlich. It helped us wrap our heads around the whole thing and figure out ways to help. There are also an increasing number of Facebook groups dedicated to supporting folks. Good luck!
Woof. This hit the nail on the head for me and something I went into depth with my therapist about just yesterday. I'm less than one hour out from leaving to start a new training program/job for something that I was really excited about...until reality hit and for two weeks now, my anxiety has been spiraling knowing that I'll have to actually uphold to the expectations and demands of a BOSS...as I've been self-employed for the last 11 years. As an HSP with ADHD, losing autonomy and control are deep fears of mine rooted and fertilized by childhood trauma that I am on the brink of unearthing. All of this making for a robust cocktail of anxiety. I know I can leave at any time. I know it won't impact my life drastically if I did decide the new venture wasn't for me or I decided to stay.
All of that to say...thank you for this. Your essay is both validating and comforting. Now it's time for me to dive in regardless of not knowing where my journey will take me. I just have to remember that I am proficient in swimming.
Wow. I can relate to SO much of this. I've hated calling since I was a kid - my mom could never understand it - and I put off important "adult" things until the very last minute. So interesting this has an actual name!
Great post. I can relate to this. I really like the exaggerated celebration following your achievement of a bureaucratic task : ) and the cupcake at the end of this post.
Yes, some posts will include free airhorns AND cupcakes! Thank you for noticing. 🙂
Thank you for the cupcake! 🧁 This post deeply resonated with me and offered yet another reason I feel like I’d be more at home in the UK than the US. I’m a big time avoider of hard things, more accurately things that are hard for me. I joke all the time that I need a personal assistant to cancel my exorbitant subscription services, make all my doctor’s appointments for me, return calls to friends that I assume now hate me for waiting too long to call, and clear out the storage shed I’ve rented and never visited for nearly six years which probably indicates that I’m paying to store massive amounts of things I don’t need. You may have just motivated me to stop joking about it and actually hire a helping hand…if I could only find someone to do THAT for me!
OMG, Chris! This makes so much sense! I've just handed in my two-week notice (fifth time trying to adapt to a regular job with a boss). I always thought I couldn't keep a job longer than 6 months because I was weak and couldn't handle hierarchy... but hey, now I realise that it's not just the bossy thing I can't stand, it's actually any kind of demand, it's PDA! Thank you for this!
Oh boy do I ever relate to this post! I guess I have demand avoidance too. I am avoiding all types of things in an effort to protect my energy. I agree that sometimes it helps me, and other times it doesn’t! Thanks for this case study, I needed to hear it today.
I have it right up until the financial "repercussions" start date. My autonomous pride's not gonna reward THE MAN for his reams of oblique and threatening documentation. This is why I dedicate a full weekend, this time of year, to going through a year's worth of receipts and credit card statements to filter all the health, home office and business expenses into my tax organizer. That's bad, but it gets humiliating after a certain age. You'll get incessant insurance reminders in email AND snail mail (just in case you're still a luddite) to have your annual doctor home visitation during which some sweet retired health provider workin' a side gig asks you to recite three words he gave you three minutes prior while he monitors and records what your Smart Watch could've uploaded to MyChart...if it had that capability. I'm actually a fun person. Just not right before April 15. Thanks for the cupcake and license hack and kudos on getting the dopamine air horn.
Wow. I've been beating myself up and wondering why I can't handle what seems so simple for most people. I now feel more compassion and understanding towards my self, and others. I'm so looking forward to how this awareness will help with all the demanding (needy🤯) people and things.
Thank you so much!
I also enjoyed the cupcake, here's a doughnut 🍩 for you.
CUPCAKES! Also, what a great story/insight/education. I’m illuminated and entertained at the same time. Thank you, and congrats on getting your license. 🥇
Good walk through the behaviors and terminology. Here in the Substack and online community we are building, one by one, for gifted professionals and communicators, the question of demands comes out in conversations about deadlines, which many journalists, authors, and writers have. The popular way to deal with this as a neurodiverse brain is to rapidly transform much of what "I must do" into something "I get to do." Because you are still alive, today, you get to do this. Woo hoo. Bring on the cupcakes.
As a teenager, there were TONS of things I didn't want to do, and they bothered me in some way that I couldn't articulate but this comes close. I don't know when it happened, but at some point I started making myself do the things I hated and focusing on what advantage or benefit I would get out of it. Occasionally I'll put together a "procrastination list" to brain dump all of the things I'm putting off, and try to take some things off the list. I think recognizing my tendency to resist early on, and also seeing the consequences of ignoring important things, helped me to develop strategies to notice and combat it when it comes up. It's also pretty satisfying to discover that a task that seemed HUGE and SCARY was actually not that bad after all.
Speaking of baby steps, I just found this app called Goblin Tools - one of the things it does is break up a task you give it into small steps, and you can define how small you want the steps!
Is it a chocolate cupcake? (Priorities…)
This post kind of made an ATM-machine like sound go off in my head - Wow - this is ME!
I’m a writer (among other things), and deadlines always suck for me. For my regular magazine gig, I have two months between articles, I know the deadlines, and I usually start scheduling interviews during the last 2 - 3 weeks… seriously??? This does not make life easier for anybody, and the whole time I’m procrastinating, I’m very aware of the wolf lurking - or something lurking, anyway - whatever it is, it isn’t good.
I get myself so stressed about getting the thing in on time, that the last week of interviewing and researching and writing and editing can literally make me sick. But my editor is always quite happy with my work, and is always willing to be a bit flexible with the deadline, so the consequences aren’t that dire (except for that whole being sick thing…)
I used to do this in school, too. I’d be up overnight in high school finishing up the 6-page paper (hand-written, y’all, I’m old) that was due in the morning. But the thing was, I’d always get an A, or an A+ even. Which didn’t encourage me to change my pattern of behaviour.
Back to the present - I’m learning to manage my behaviour patterns that are more supportive of overall health and well-being (ADHD medication really helps). I don’t want to keep making myself sick. I’m tired of the whatever-it-is lurking on the periphery.
I’m using tools - like Asana to break down projects into ridiculously easy steps and schedule everything several weeks before the “sh*t, I’m not going to get it done in time” date; like my Google calendar, where I set at least 4 reminders for every appointment or activity that has a particular time/date (like remembering to take the extra dose of my heart meds at midday now since stress lately has triggered the return of PVCs).
At work, when there’s a recurring icky task (and there are several), I just put my head down and start. Once I’ve actually started, they’re not usually too bad, it’s the getting started that’s the real challenge. But then I remember about that lurking discomfort, and how activity tends to banish it, and I just get on with it.
But thanks for the tip about the driver’s license ;-)
Oh, this is amazing. This is ME! I love the term Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. I feel like that describes my issue even better than Demand Avoidance. This makes me feel so valid and seen. I appreciate it!
I think I have this too, I have to build a ‘one personal admin task a week’ because I have to make myself do these things. 😬
Here to say the caption for the Olivia Rodrigo picture is a ten out of ten for me. 👏🏽