OK - so first, let me say that I say “Dude” all the time. (Usually more like Duuuude), and I’m a 65 year old female 😁).
As for the ADHD - I was diagnosed about 4 or 5 months ago (that whole timey -wimey thing). I take Vyvanse and, cliche or otherwise, it has literally changed my life. I get up, I get sh*t done, I can follow directions, I don’t finish people’s sentences (as often), and I’m so damn happy in my own skin. I won’t go into a whole long thing about the changes in my life, but really liking myself (finally) is flat-out amazing.
I was diagnosed about 2 years ago, right when I turned 40. I've spent these last couple years mourning the loss of a life I think I could have lived if I had understood myself better when I was in my early 20s and making big life decisions. I wasted so much time hating myself because I struggled to fit into a more conventional way of life and I could never understand why I was always so unhappy. My brother died by suicide last June. He had bipolar disorder but I believe he also had undiagnosed ADHD. We had many of the same worries about life and talked about them often. I think it was a major contributing factor in his suicide. Now I feel more urgency to really live on my own terms, not just for myself, but to honor him.
As a grandma with newly diagnosed "mild" adhd I want to emphasize the female underdiagnosis. Like ASD, women and people of color often get underdiagnosed because we learn to mask better. Culture expects us to, where traditionally, white male children were allowed more freedom to "act out" on these behaviors. So not only do people not look for it in girls, but there is more pressure on girls to cover it up.
So I've spent a huge part of my life wondering why I couldn't just be happy with the expected life path put before me. Toe the line in school, get a "good" job, stay till retirement etc.
I just got a tentative diagnosis of ADHD after my 3 adult daughters did. But the bigger issue is the *trauma* that is now the roadblock to living my life the way I want.
I saw the title of this post and a light bulb went off. My therapist is focusing on dealing with trauma, not the ADHD which makes sense. But what if it's a chicken and egg scenario? Figuring out which caused which may not help, but treating both .... doh!
Wow, I have so much to say on this topic. I wish that I was diagnosed before motherhood. I was EXTREMELY hard on myself because the housework overwhelmed me and I felt behind, shameful and judged myself harshly. I somehow conflated housework with motherhood and started believing I was a bad mum. This haunted me until my kids got old enough to tell me that was so crazy and when I actually went through and said to myself “what makes a good mum?”, I answered “loving our kids”. Then I asked, “do you love the kids?”, I answered “absolutely, without a doubt”. “Therefore you’re A GOOD MUM!”
Two comments from my experience. I literally never considered having ADHD / ADD - it absolutely never crossed my mind. It wasn't until someone else who had it mentioned they thought I had it that I started to consider it. You could have written about it for years (and you did), but I was never wondering if that was me. I was probably just politely ignoring it. So I think it helps if others who have been diagnosed help discuss it with other people in their lives they may think have it.
I did that with one of my friends from growing up. Brings me to my second comment. She reacted the same way I did when it was first suggested to me. "Okay, well, isn't everyone on a spectrum? And does it really help to know? I've made it this long without any help." My response was, "But what if everything could be easier?!" I'm not sure she was convinced, but at least I planted the seed. The truth is, everything is easier, and it's such a relief from something I didn't even know I was struggling with for the first 37 years of my life.
By the way, I’m currently reading Substack on my phone, with groceries in my car and a call to start in 10 mins. I think the dopamine is just about to kick in for me to get it all in and put away before the call. (Who am I kidding, it’s going to get in the entry way and hopefully the fridge and freezer stuff will get put away before the call. 🤣) #adhdlife
I have 9 tabs open in this browser right now, but I also have Steam and Scriviner open, and typically I have another browser open with just "things to read later," a later that may actually never come.
Thanks for this post. I've actually been wondering a lot about this lately... I'm gonna go check out one of the online evaluations. I guess I tend to think of myself as more OCD than ADHD, but it's worth looking into both. :)
Not ADHD, but undiagnosed and then diagnosed bipolar for a family member. I just found out on Saturday her granddaughter (she is in her very early 40s) is now hooked on meth at the age of 8. The family has really fallen apart because of the constant struggle for her to stay on her meds. A huge mess.
The book Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté truly blew my mind. Suddenly my entire family made sense, and I could see how it wasn't just my mom and brother who had ADHD (the ones who exhibit the most textbook traits), but also my dad, and my aunts on both sides, and my grandmother--and ME too (only realizing this now in my early 30s). It runs in families, Maté argues, in part because of a genetic predisposition to sensitivity but also through the epigenetic/environmental transmission of trauma/stress/addiction/disconnection/dysfunction in the family. I felt like I could see the whole completed puzzle of our family tree from above, and I had so much more compassion for myself and my struggling family members in the context of this new understanding. Highly recommend!
Thanks for writing this! I'm also an older woman facing similar issues. I just got my diagnosis last year.
But I've known I had this since 2003. Like you, I have had a series of setbacks in getting treatment (more on that later), so I've developed an elaborate system of hacks to work around it. One of the things that has really helped me a lot is my Agile practice. (Yes, I mean the approach used in Software Development.) I've been a Scrum Master and Agile coach for almost two decades now, and the approach - which is designed to allow progress towards a goal despite uncertainties, unexpected developments, and interruptions - works very well for many of the challenges encountered in living with ADHD.
This is turning into to a post. Let me work on that for a bit and get back to you :)
OK - so first, let me say that I say “Dude” all the time. (Usually more like Duuuude), and I’m a 65 year old female 😁).
As for the ADHD - I was diagnosed about 4 or 5 months ago (that whole timey -wimey thing). I take Vyvanse and, cliche or otherwise, it has literally changed my life. I get up, I get sh*t done, I can follow directions, I don’t finish people’s sentences (as often), and I’m so damn happy in my own skin. I won’t go into a whole long thing about the changes in my life, but really liking myself (finally) is flat-out amazing.
I was diagnosed about 2 years ago, right when I turned 40. I've spent these last couple years mourning the loss of a life I think I could have lived if I had understood myself better when I was in my early 20s and making big life decisions. I wasted so much time hating myself because I struggled to fit into a more conventional way of life and I could never understand why I was always so unhappy. My brother died by suicide last June. He had bipolar disorder but I believe he also had undiagnosed ADHD. We had many of the same worries about life and talked about them often. I think it was a major contributing factor in his suicide. Now I feel more urgency to really live on my own terms, not just for myself, but to honor him.
As a grandma with newly diagnosed "mild" adhd I want to emphasize the female underdiagnosis. Like ASD, women and people of color often get underdiagnosed because we learn to mask better. Culture expects us to, where traditionally, white male children were allowed more freedom to "act out" on these behaviors. So not only do people not look for it in girls, but there is more pressure on girls to cover it up.
So I've spent a huge part of my life wondering why I couldn't just be happy with the expected life path put before me. Toe the line in school, get a "good" job, stay till retirement etc.
I just got a tentative diagnosis of ADHD after my 3 adult daughters did. But the bigger issue is the *trauma* that is now the roadblock to living my life the way I want.
I saw the title of this post and a light bulb went off. My therapist is focusing on dealing with trauma, not the ADHD which makes sense. But what if it's a chicken and egg scenario? Figuring out which caused which may not help, but treating both .... doh!
10 browser pages open right now. usually it's double that!
Wow, I have so much to say on this topic. I wish that I was diagnosed before motherhood. I was EXTREMELY hard on myself because the housework overwhelmed me and I felt behind, shameful and judged myself harshly. I somehow conflated housework with motherhood and started believing I was a bad mum. This haunted me until my kids got old enough to tell me that was so crazy and when I actually went through and said to myself “what makes a good mum?”, I answered “loving our kids”. Then I asked, “do you love the kids?”, I answered “absolutely, without a doubt”. “Therefore you’re A GOOD MUM!”
Two comments from my experience. I literally never considered having ADHD / ADD - it absolutely never crossed my mind. It wasn't until someone else who had it mentioned they thought I had it that I started to consider it. You could have written about it for years (and you did), but I was never wondering if that was me. I was probably just politely ignoring it. So I think it helps if others who have been diagnosed help discuss it with other people in their lives they may think have it.
I did that with one of my friends from growing up. Brings me to my second comment. She reacted the same way I did when it was first suggested to me. "Okay, well, isn't everyone on a spectrum? And does it really help to know? I've made it this long without any help." My response was, "But what if everything could be easier?!" I'm not sure she was convinced, but at least I planted the seed. The truth is, everything is easier, and it's such a relief from something I didn't even know I was struggling with for the first 37 years of my life.
I didn't come this far to only come this far...
AWESOME...
I have a few more mountains left to climb ...
(Sue/ 73yrs)
By the way, I’m currently reading Substack on my phone, with groceries in my car and a call to start in 10 mins. I think the dopamine is just about to kick in for me to get it all in and put away before the call. (Who am I kidding, it’s going to get in the entry way and hopefully the fridge and freezer stuff will get put away before the call. 🤣) #adhdlife
I have 9 tabs open in this browser right now, but I also have Steam and Scriviner open, and typically I have another browser open with just "things to read later," a later that may actually never come.
Thanks for this post. I've actually been wondering a lot about this lately... I'm gonna go check out one of the online evaluations. I guess I tend to think of myself as more OCD than ADHD, but it's worth looking into both. :)
Not ADHD, but undiagnosed and then diagnosed bipolar for a family member. I just found out on Saturday her granddaughter (she is in her very early 40s) is now hooked on meth at the age of 8. The family has really fallen apart because of the constant struggle for her to stay on her meds. A huge mess.
The book Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté truly blew my mind. Suddenly my entire family made sense, and I could see how it wasn't just my mom and brother who had ADHD (the ones who exhibit the most textbook traits), but also my dad, and my aunts on both sides, and my grandmother--and ME too (only realizing this now in my early 30s). It runs in families, Maté argues, in part because of a genetic predisposition to sensitivity but also through the epigenetic/environmental transmission of trauma/stress/addiction/disconnection/dysfunction in the family. I felt like I could see the whole completed puzzle of our family tree from above, and I had so much more compassion for myself and my struggling family members in the context of this new understanding. Highly recommend!
Thanks for writing this! I'm also an older woman facing similar issues. I just got my diagnosis last year.
But I've known I had this since 2003. Like you, I have had a series of setbacks in getting treatment (more on that later), so I've developed an elaborate system of hacks to work around it. One of the things that has really helped me a lot is my Agile practice. (Yes, I mean the approach used in Software Development.) I've been a Scrum Master and Agile coach for almost two decades now, and the approach - which is designed to allow progress towards a goal despite uncertainties, unexpected developments, and interruptions - works very well for many of the challenges encountered in living with ADHD.
This is turning into to a post. Let me work on that for a bit and get back to you :)