The more inner work I do, the bigger the gap I create between myself and everyone around me.
Self-awareness and self-direction — becoming more and more ourselves — is both a super power and social kryptonite. It’s epic in terms of creatively designing lives that are truly self-fulfilling, but it’s also a pain in the butt in terms of dealing with how much of an oddball we become to the rest of society.
I call it “the double work.” First, you do inner work on yourself to become more and more yourself. Then, you have to do a second round of inner work to deal with how different you are from everyone else, in order to integrate and accept those differences. It takes creativity and courage to find ways to navigate being a super weirdo in the midst of conventional reality/society.
But it’s worth it anyway! If we expect that it’s going to be a social hassle to be more personally liberated, paradoxically, it’s less upsetting, and we can embrace and expect that second round of inner work and just get to it! So here’s to “the double work” and to being misfits!
"Self-awareness and self-direction — becoming more and more ourselves — is both a super power and social kryptonite." Exactly! This is such a wonderful way to phrase it.
Thank you. Funny, I'm working on a similar piece but from a different angle this week. Essentially, how binding expectations can be. The implicit expectations we have for ourselves and those we perceive others have for us. They can limit us because it can be so uncomfortable to step outside of them, and, as you say, be misunderstood.
People are generally quite fearful. They yearn to be carbon copies of others and not stand out. To stand out in school is to be humiliated. I’ll never forget the girl several years older than my grade who rode a stick with stuffed head pony all over the school yard in seventh grade with her eyes closed. She was an object of curiosity though I don’t recall anyone openly mocking her. She simply loved horses. I found out decades later that she now lives in England and owns several horses. That is power. She believed it and she manifested it. May we all show that kind of faith in ourselves.
It's true...I've had to come to grips with the fact most of my career decisions were based on fear. Doing a 180, being someone else gets old. Never to late to live our passions right?💫
The change that created the most positive energy for me recently was removing myself from a very toxic, and yet comfortable, environment, physically (moved to a state that didn't make sense to them), emotionally, and psychologically.
You must break the toxic patterns; sometimes, you must detach and remove yourself from the harmful environment. That's not always possible, especially when you have younger children still in school and other family pressures keeping you in place, but once the children are grown and the family pressures ease, make the change!
In November of 2022, I experienced a shocking wake-up call when I lost a brother to suicide. Life is too precious and too short. Make the move and the change. It doesn't need to make sense or be approved by anyone who doesn't truly support you.
Oh, this is wonderful. I was writing today about why it's so important to be yourself and not try to be someone else. This is such a great reframe though - so often being misunderstood is seen as a negative thing when in fact as you say it can be a step towards something much more positive.
I think being misunderstood is a bit like sink or swim. If enough people misunderstand you, you either give up what you’re doing, or you come to understand yourself better and become more resolute in your you-ness.
I'm finding some illogic in your list. To be a leader, one must have followers. If people leave you alone, they generally take no notice of your "inspirational visions" so you can hardly lead them. People will always follow those with charisma, something misunderstood people often have in short supply. I learned this leadership lesson in Outward Bound. When the group got lost, I became the natural leader because I had the survival skills and knowledge they needed. But as soon as we were "out of the woods," they quickly discarded me for a manipulative woman with superior people skills. Since that incident, I've never considered myself "leader" material. I'm certainly not a follower. I Lone Wolf it. If my so-called courage to take on the wilderness all by myself inspires someone, I'm not likely to benefit or even know.
Sooo many benefits! I'm 65, I have peacock colored highlights in my hair, statement tee shirts and jeans are my go-to, I'm an entrepreneur, and I'm getting my first(!) tattoo, "Unapologetically me". It's taken me 65 years, but I'm so over apologizing for being me... (Oh, and i'm getting my nose pierced at some point over the next few months...)
What I value most about being misunderstood is that it forces me to interrogate my own decisions and direction further, to wrestle with the why behind my choices and tear away at all of the padding I've built in around them until I'm certain, really unequivocally certain that while I may be misunderstood, I am not misunderstanding myself.
Hi Chris. I have to say I had hoped for more from this conversation. Most of these articles are run if the mill American okie dokism. Everything is sugar coated in layer of brightside treacle. There is no brightside to being different or misundertood especially as the culture hurls itself toward an entirely new and unexpected form of authoritarianism. If you are misunderstood in those conditions you don't eat. You dont decide. You dont live. We aren't there yet but brightsiding is how we get there.
This really rings true. Thank you for clarifying so well! My family of origin misunderstands me and digs in their heels. I spent many years feeling bad about this and trying to make my life more palatable. I realize now this was not the right approach. I've been working on developing my path more and just letting their misunderstandings exist and float away. It's hard to do that but this essay has illuminated the importance of the process. Sending my gratitude.
The more inner work I do, the bigger the gap I create between myself and everyone around me.
Self-awareness and self-direction — becoming more and more ourselves — is both a super power and social kryptonite. It’s epic in terms of creatively designing lives that are truly self-fulfilling, but it’s also a pain in the butt in terms of dealing with how much of an oddball we become to the rest of society.
I call it “the double work.” First, you do inner work on yourself to become more and more yourself. Then, you have to do a second round of inner work to deal with how different you are from everyone else, in order to integrate and accept those differences. It takes creativity and courage to find ways to navigate being a super weirdo in the midst of conventional reality/society.
But it’s worth it anyway! If we expect that it’s going to be a social hassle to be more personally liberated, paradoxically, it’s less upsetting, and we can embrace and expect that second round of inner work and just get to it! So here’s to “the double work” and to being misfits!
"Self-awareness and self-direction — becoming more and more ourselves — is both a super power and social kryptonite." Exactly! This is such a wonderful way to phrase it.
Thank you!
Exactly!! How to channel your inner bad-ass!
Thank you. Funny, I'm working on a similar piece but from a different angle this week. Essentially, how binding expectations can be. The implicit expectations we have for ourselves and those we perceive others have for us. They can limit us because it can be so uncomfortable to step outside of them, and, as you say, be misunderstood.
People are generally quite fearful. They yearn to be carbon copies of others and not stand out. To stand out in school is to be humiliated. I’ll never forget the girl several years older than my grade who rode a stick with stuffed head pony all over the school yard in seventh grade with her eyes closed. She was an object of curiosity though I don’t recall anyone openly mocking her. She simply loved horses. I found out decades later that she now lives in England and owns several horses. That is power. She believed it and she manifested it. May we all show that kind of faith in ourselves.
It's true...I've had to come to grips with the fact most of my career decisions were based on fear. Doing a 180, being someone else gets old. Never to late to live our passions right?💫
The change that created the most positive energy for me recently was removing myself from a very toxic, and yet comfortable, environment, physically (moved to a state that didn't make sense to them), emotionally, and psychologically.
You must break the toxic patterns; sometimes, you must detach and remove yourself from the harmful environment. That's not always possible, especially when you have younger children still in school and other family pressures keeping you in place, but once the children are grown and the family pressures ease, make the change!
In November of 2022, I experienced a shocking wake-up call when I lost a brother to suicide. Life is too precious and too short. Make the move and the change. It doesn't need to make sense or be approved by anyone who doesn't truly support you.
Oh, this is wonderful. I was writing today about why it's so important to be yourself and not try to be someone else. This is such a great reframe though - so often being misunderstood is seen as a negative thing when in fact as you say it can be a step towards something much more positive.
I think being misunderstood is a bit like sink or swim. If enough people misunderstand you, you either give up what you’re doing, or you come to understand yourself better and become more resolute in your you-ness.
“become more resolute in your you-ness” — YES!
Thank you so much for this Chris. You have articulated a big tender point. I appreciate that you emphasized the acceptance part
The part I do have agency over.🦩
I love finding fellow misfits :)
Fellow misfits unite!
I'm finding some illogic in your list. To be a leader, one must have followers. If people leave you alone, they generally take no notice of your "inspirational visions" so you can hardly lead them. People will always follow those with charisma, something misunderstood people often have in short supply. I learned this leadership lesson in Outward Bound. When the group got lost, I became the natural leader because I had the survival skills and knowledge they needed. But as soon as we were "out of the woods," they quickly discarded me for a manipulative woman with superior people skills. Since that incident, I've never considered myself "leader" material. I'm certainly not a follower. I Lone Wolf it. If my so-called courage to take on the wilderness all by myself inspires someone, I'm not likely to benefit or even know.
This is an interesting reflection Winter. Have you read the book the Last Wilderness? Your story reminds me of this - i think you might enjoy it.
Edit sorry its called The New Wilderness!
Such an interesting topic.
At first my recovering people pleaser tendencies got slightly triggered - “isn’t the name of the game for everyone to like us”
Newsflash - no it’s not because it’s impossible and we will be misunderstood. That’s life.
Better to blaze your own trail than to constantly zig zag according to what you think will make others comfortable.
Sooo many benefits! I'm 65, I have peacock colored highlights in my hair, statement tee shirts and jeans are my go-to, I'm an entrepreneur, and I'm getting my first(!) tattoo, "Unapologetically me". It's taken me 65 years, but I'm so over apologizing for being me... (Oh, and i'm getting my nose pierced at some point over the next few months...)
What I value most about being misunderstood is that it forces me to interrogate my own decisions and direction further, to wrestle with the why behind my choices and tear away at all of the padding I've built in around them until I'm certain, really unequivocally certain that while I may be misunderstood, I am not misunderstanding myself.
You write so good, always inspirational.
Hi Chris. I have to say I had hoped for more from this conversation. Most of these articles are run if the mill American okie dokism. Everything is sugar coated in layer of brightside treacle. There is no brightside to being different or misundertood especially as the culture hurls itself toward an entirely new and unexpected form of authoritarianism. If you are misunderstood in those conditions you don't eat. You dont decide. You dont live. We aren't there yet but brightsiding is how we get there.
May I share this as an Instagram carousel? Ofc I'd tag, credit, all of that. 😊
This really rings true. Thank you for clarifying so well! My family of origin misunderstands me and digs in their heels. I spent many years feeling bad about this and trying to make my life more palatable. I realize now this was not the right approach. I've been working on developing my path more and just letting their misunderstandings exist and float away. It's hard to do that but this essay has illuminated the importance of the process. Sending my gratitude.