I’ve noticed over the years that younger parts of me believed that being responsible is the same as being a good person, even though the two things are completely unrelated.
Having unconditional positive regard for myself means that even if I don’t get the laundry done, or I don’t complete a task, that doesn’t make me a “bad person.“ It just means I didn’t have the energy today and it wasn’t in the cards!
Parts of me often used to say, after completing a task, “I’m good!”
I would counter: “No! Completing a task does not make you a good person. You’re always a good person whether you get the task done or not. It just makes you responsible. You always were good, and you always will be good, whether or not you get something done.”
My parts got sick of me constantly correcting them — because I’m never going to accept the comment “I’m good“ after I complete a task. Now they’ve switched their internal dialogue to, “I’m responsible,“ after achieving a task, to avoid having me correct them.
Success! I have effectively cut the connection between achieving a task, and believing that makes me a good person or morally worthy.
It was slightly annoying to retrain myself this way, but I’m very happy with the results. Now, when I complete a task, and I hear in my head, “I’m responsible,“ it feels so much friendlier. My self-worth does not depend on whether or not I get things done, and it’s nice to hear that accurately expressed by the internal voices in my head (my parts).
Melissa, that's a powerful realization you have there--It's so important to separate our self-worth from our productivity. I also find your approach to changing your internal dialogue inspiring.
It's a great reminder that being responsible doesn't equate to being morally worthy; our inherent goodness isn't tied to our accomplishments. Am curious Melissa, have you noticed any other positive changes in your self-talk since making this shift?
“What would it be like for you to have a day where you didn’t think about yourself so god damn much?” !!!
Wow, this interview was fantastic. I’m glad I read it before my day started, because it’s going to stick with me. I have fallen into the trap of self-optimization so much that it’s almost like an addiction, and/or a coping mechanism from not getting hurt.
Oooohhhh I like this idea of self-optimization as an addiction. I am in the process of weaning myself off the need for this fix, but lots of relapsing happening here!
I told my therapist that I’m a self-help book junkie and when she asked me what draws me to self-help, we came to the conclusion that I feel like I need to be fixed. There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement but she advised me to replace the urge to read more self-help by choosing to read more fiction, and that’s helped a lot!
Welcome to fiction! It’s soo fun and in my opinion, it can be an even better teacher of self improvement because the storytelling really helps our brains remember, contextual, etc.
I was on a self-help kick at the beginning of the year but months later I didn’t really feel like I knew what to do with all the competing information.
I have just become a KC Davis fan. "You are not morally obligated do all the good things all the time." Amazing.
And laziness doesn’t exist? Wow. I’ve been laboring (literally) under a misconception for decades! For 65 years I’ve thought I was lazy (well, probably for 60 years or so - I don’t think any toddler worries about being lazy… )
Despite the fact that I spent years running a large horse farm 7 days a week, have had stints where I worked 80 hour weeks at 3 jobs (and clocked over 100 miles a day commuting), and am currently working 32 hours a week, trying to launch a business, and taking my daughter to weekly chemo treatments and being all that is required of a Mom whose daughter has breast cancer, I’ve still always felt lazy.
Yesterday I was overwhelmed, burned out, exhausted, and in a lot of pain from various stuff, and after I fed the horses, and cleaned the cat boxes, and fed the birds, I went back to bed. And stayed there. At least till it was time to feed the horses again. I was almost too tired to worry that I was being lazy (almost).
But between yesterday and last night, I got about 14 hours of sleep, and the overwhelm and pain and exhaustion are reduced significantly today.
I guess I’m begining to realize that when my body/mind/soul need a break, they need a break. I want to keep being able to do the things I enjoy for another 30 years (or more), so embracing the whole “laziness doesn’t exist” concept is my new go-to when it comes to that all-too-elusive concept of self-care.
Wow. So incredibly helpful. I especially appreciated her TEDtalk. I have been beating myself up for decades about my inability to “keep house” even though I love a clean neat space. Recently, I decided to cut down on the number of things I own to make it easier even though I have to get rid of things I like. What I realized is that a lot of it is stuff I kept out of guilt or nostalgia (someone gave it to me or made it for me, or I made it). I am deciding to go with morally neutral about tossing things and my home not being neat. I can see that this may be a huge relief.
I’ve struggled with chronic procrastination and the feeling that I’m lazy my whole life. This is so relevant for me. Thanks Chris for introducing me to KC Davis. I’ll be devouring all her books.
"I want everyone to hear the message that you are not morally obligated to do all the good things at all times."
THIS. This is such a relief. I feel like I get so caught up in what I SHOULD be doing that I end up paralyzed and then end up doing nothing.
It's impossible to do everything all of the time. I still use a straw at a restaurant sometimes. I see litter in my neighborhood and I don't pick it up every time. I don't always read the news.
And then this one, what an absolute banger:
"Stop trying to be better. It’s an endless rat race of perfectionism you will never win."
Amy, I completely relate to that feeling of being overwhelmed by all the "shoulds." It’s such a relief to hear that we’re not morally obligated to do everything perfectly all the time. Letting go of perfectionism can be so freeing.
Life’s about balance, not constantly striving for unattainable standards. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Amy—it’s a comforting reminder for all of us!
Re: “you are not the failure point,” thank you for making your point with both firmness and gentleness. Often times, “so what are you gonna do about it,” comes across callously, even though the point is perfectly valid. I really appreciate how you are phrasing these things, it just makes this all more approachable for a wider array of people.
Thanks for bringing KC into the spotlight Chris! I've never come across her, but judging from the title of her book, I think I'm really going to enjoy reading it!
KC's work changed my life at a profound juncture of grief and loss. So much so that when she asked for testimonials before her TEDx talk, I plunked down six or seven paragraphs without blinking. Little did I know that she'd end up using my story in that talk, we'd get to meet in person and connect for my newsletter one day. It's a real testimony to remember that your work can change someone's life — that acknowledging their story can help grief alchemize in a way that's hard to quantify.
I’ve noticed over the years that younger parts of me believed that being responsible is the same as being a good person, even though the two things are completely unrelated.
Having unconditional positive regard for myself means that even if I don’t get the laundry done, or I don’t complete a task, that doesn’t make me a “bad person.“ It just means I didn’t have the energy today and it wasn’t in the cards!
Parts of me often used to say, after completing a task, “I’m good!”
I would counter: “No! Completing a task does not make you a good person. You’re always a good person whether you get the task done or not. It just makes you responsible. You always were good, and you always will be good, whether or not you get something done.”
My parts got sick of me constantly correcting them — because I’m never going to accept the comment “I’m good“ after I complete a task. Now they’ve switched their internal dialogue to, “I’m responsible,“ after achieving a task, to avoid having me correct them.
Success! I have effectively cut the connection between achieving a task, and believing that makes me a good person or morally worthy.
It was slightly annoying to retrain myself this way, but I’m very happy with the results. Now, when I complete a task, and I hear in my head, “I’m responsible,“ it feels so much friendlier. My self-worth does not depend on whether or not I get things done, and it’s nice to hear that accurately expressed by the internal voices in my head (my parts).
Love this. It takes practice - I'm still practicing too - but it really helps.
Melissa, that's a powerful realization you have there--It's so important to separate our self-worth from our productivity. I also find your approach to changing your internal dialogue inspiring.
It's a great reminder that being responsible doesn't equate to being morally worthy; our inherent goodness isn't tied to our accomplishments. Am curious Melissa, have you noticed any other positive changes in your self-talk since making this shift?
“What would it be like for you to have a day where you didn’t think about yourself so god damn much?” !!!
Wow, this interview was fantastic. I’m glad I read it before my day started, because it’s going to stick with me. I have fallen into the trap of self-optimization so much that it’s almost like an addiction, and/or a coping mechanism from not getting hurt.
Such an important message. Thanks for this!
Oooohhhh I like this idea of self-optimization as an addiction. I am in the process of weaning myself off the need for this fix, but lots of relapsing happening here!
I told my therapist that I’m a self-help book junkie and when she asked me what draws me to self-help, we came to the conclusion that I feel like I need to be fixed. There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement but she advised me to replace the urge to read more self-help by choosing to read more fiction, and that’s helped a lot!
Welcome to fiction! It’s soo fun and in my opinion, it can be an even better teacher of self improvement because the storytelling really helps our brains remember, contextual, etc.
I was on a self-help kick at the beginning of the year but months later I didn’t really feel like I knew what to do with all the competing information.
Another great interview Chris!
I’m still unpacking all the damage that was done by dealing with undiagnosed ADHD and raising children and managing the household.
Laziness, not good enough, should do better would run constantly through my head.
I’m grateful for advocates who tell us there is a different way.
Thanks for bringing KC to my atttention, Chris! I feel like her book might have been written for me. 🫣
I have just become a KC Davis fan. "You are not morally obligated do all the good things all the time." Amazing.
And laziness doesn’t exist? Wow. I’ve been laboring (literally) under a misconception for decades! For 65 years I’ve thought I was lazy (well, probably for 60 years or so - I don’t think any toddler worries about being lazy… )
Despite the fact that I spent years running a large horse farm 7 days a week, have had stints where I worked 80 hour weeks at 3 jobs (and clocked over 100 miles a day commuting), and am currently working 32 hours a week, trying to launch a business, and taking my daughter to weekly chemo treatments and being all that is required of a Mom whose daughter has breast cancer, I’ve still always felt lazy.
Yesterday I was overwhelmed, burned out, exhausted, and in a lot of pain from various stuff, and after I fed the horses, and cleaned the cat boxes, and fed the birds, I went back to bed. And stayed there. At least till it was time to feed the horses again. I was almost too tired to worry that I was being lazy (almost).
But between yesterday and last night, I got about 14 hours of sleep, and the overwhelm and pain and exhaustion are reduced significantly today.
I guess I’m begining to realize that when my body/mind/soul need a break, they need a break. I want to keep being able to do the things I enjoy for another 30 years (or more), so embracing the whole “laziness doesn’t exist” concept is my new go-to when it comes to that all-too-elusive concept of self-care.
Wow. So incredibly helpful. I especially appreciated her TEDtalk. I have been beating myself up for decades about my inability to “keep house” even though I love a clean neat space. Recently, I decided to cut down on the number of things I own to make it easier even though I have to get rid of things I like. What I realized is that a lot of it is stuff I kept out of guilt or nostalgia (someone gave it to me or made it for me, or I made it). I am deciding to go with morally neutral about tossing things and my home not being neat. I can see that this may be a huge relief.
I’ve struggled with chronic procrastination and the feeling that I’m lazy my whole life. This is so relevant for me. Thanks Chris for introducing me to KC Davis. I’ll be devouring all her books.
"I want everyone to hear the message that you are not morally obligated to do all the good things at all times."
THIS. This is such a relief. I feel like I get so caught up in what I SHOULD be doing that I end up paralyzed and then end up doing nothing.
It's impossible to do everything all of the time. I still use a straw at a restaurant sometimes. I see litter in my neighborhood and I don't pick it up every time. I don't always read the news.
And then this one, what an absolute banger:
"Stop trying to be better. It’s an endless rat race of perfectionism you will never win."
Thank you for sharing!
Amy, I completely relate to that feeling of being overwhelmed by all the "shoulds." It’s such a relief to hear that we’re not morally obligated to do everything perfectly all the time. Letting go of perfectionism can be so freeing.
Life’s about balance, not constantly striving for unattainable standards. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Amy—it’s a comforting reminder for all of us!
Re: “you are not the failure point,” thank you for making your point with both firmness and gentleness. Often times, “so what are you gonna do about it,” comes across callously, even though the point is perfectly valid. I really appreciate how you are phrasing these things, it just makes this all more approachable for a wider array of people.
Thanks for bringing KC into the spotlight Chris! I've never come across her, but judging from the title of her book, I think I'm really going to enjoy reading it!
KC's work changed my life at a profound juncture of grief and loss. So much so that when she asked for testimonials before her TEDx talk, I plunked down six or seven paragraphs without blinking. Little did I know that she'd end up using my story in that talk, we'd get to meet in person and connect for my newsletter one day. It's a real testimony to remember that your work can change someone's life — that acknowledging their story can help grief alchemize in a way that's hard to quantify.
Wow, I love this interview and her perspective so much! Very helpful!
Her book showed up in another author's notes, so I'm waiting on my copy from the library. Thanks Chris!
I could not agree more that laziness doesn't exist! I wrote a post on this very recently 😀
KC is my spirit animal. So grateful for this interview and I've been eyeing her book for months - buying it now <3
Thanks for sharing this!! Wow, I’m not alone! Thank you KC for this work!