I had a busy and mostly happy early adult life. I had a novel published in my early 20s, founded a big, successful non-profit organization and ran it for years in my late 20s and early 30s; raised three challenging children, coached many hundreds of dogs and their people to live happily together, traveled around the world,...and then I got sick. I've experienced a domino effect of one serious illness after another for ten years now. I've spent most of that time housebound, living alone. Finally I am ready to rejoin the world at 64 (though cautiously; I'll never assume never-ending good health again). And I have no idea what to do, how to make my life meaningful again. I don't need band-aid fixes of activities, I need to find a way to put the pieces of myself back together into a new pattern that will bring me back to life. I'm hoping to get some sparks from this project of yours that might start the fire I need.
Thanks for the thought - but I'm not seeking "deeper" meaning, just a sense of purpose in everyday life that works for me. The main effect the years of illness had on me was to separate me in space and time from what I was doing before. My friends and cohorts have moved on, my activities ended. I feel almost like a blank slate - with a whole lot of life experience behind me.
A year after I married for the first time at age 49, and my mom died a week after my wedding, and adjusting to living in a new city with my husband, being a stepmom to tens and young adults, and working for a large company doing consulting that did not align with my valued... and missing my mom every day (we were close), I had an immune system crash. I ended up changing what I ate and used a rotation diet and sloooowwwwed down. I have no symptoms of this immune system crash 25 years later. I think it's exciting that you have a blank slate and the opportunity to create a whole new set of life experiences. Wish you the best. Marilyn
I gave up on productivity measures in the middle of COVID when I realized all the tools were doing to me what they were doing to you. Many of those tools aren't really designed to make our lives better, I think they are designed to sell the tool. Which is totally fine and I know they work, I just felt sort of used up by the systems. I almost always feel refreshed after connecting with intention to another human. When I'm feeling at my worst, I know it's time to do the exact opposite of what makes productive sense. I need to just go connect with someone that has nothing to do with the thing I'm trying to fix/create/finish/start. My other go to is getting outside and connecting with nature and really noticing the details of the small moments. Those are kind of total opposites, but they both work for me.
I’m a deep practitioner of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and believe most of what we’ve we’ve been taught about ourselves as humans is wrong, so I’m excited for this project too!
For starters, the mind is multiple, not unitary. It’s not “me,” it’s “we.” The further I take this, the more my life transforms. I wrote about IFS from 20 years and over 6,500 hours of personal IFS practice at radicalifs.substack.com.
Just this ONE reset can transform everything, and that’s just ONE! Here’s to learning many more this year!
The more I honor my parts, the truer I feel. When I'm able to see those sides of myself, I'm able to meet myself with way more grace and compassion. Love IFS work. Will check out your 'stack.
“The more I honor my parts, the truer I feel.“ YES! What a beautiful, succinct way of expressing why and how IFS makes us feel better! Thanks for saying that Leigh!! I’m all IFS all the time and love becoming more and more able to honor my parts on every level, inside and out!
I feel like everyone who stumbles onto IFS done well wins the lottery of finding inner work that works!!
I feel the same way — I had a therapist who did IFS over 20 years ago, and I was just so lucky to stumble onto it. So validating, human, and EFFECTIVE! So glad your therapist does IFS!!
I have had a little contact with IFS and found it helpful. A book that I found really helpful in addressing the different parts of self is Negotiating the Inner Peace Treaty Becoming the Person You Were Born to be by Chelsea Wakefield Lcsw, for what it's worth.
Looking forward to this series - I know it will benefit so many people, myself included. When I feel stuck, I set up virtual coffee dates with friends who inspire me. I always walk away from these conversations with new ideas and more motivation. If you don't have many friends, reach out to someone who inspires you and TELL THEM that they inspire you and that you want to connect with them. Thanks for all you do, Chris. -- you inspire me ;)
Trina! Your work helps so many people, and I'm so glad you'll be around for this. (Everyone, check out Trina's Substack and also follow @myladyadhd on Instagram.)
Hey Chris, I am retired now and for a while it's felt like a good thing going. Yet lately things have felt kinda purposeless. Looking to find a way to 'stop hyper focusing on procrastination' (to use your term) and start doing something beyond just the daily chores of life and tending to my dog.
Art, writing, part time job or volunteer position. Not sure what will fill this hole. But I think it's something that will enhance my life if it can be discovered.
Thank you for your open and honest approach; this is so refreshing and generous! So much of what you are saying resonates with me; society's constructs are now in tatters at my feet, revealed as discompassionate tools for control. I'm a medical researcher and writer, and while research has become another shallow pool of manipulated information (taken over by Big Pharma), there are groups looking into more natural, therapeutic solutions to our collective malaise. As one example, (and duh!) they have now proven scientifically that the best activity to stimulate our happiness is simply talking to each other and engaging on a soul level. We've always known this, and yet we continue to hide in our homes, avoid challenging situations (such as speaking in public) and be wary of the risk of "putting it all out there."
I was told in therapy that I was "parenticized" at an early age, and subsequently became a lifelong people pleaser. This is a tough one to reset, because the opposite of pleasing is being rejected, in the current mindset. And rejection is huge to me. When I moved to a new location four years ago, I made the intentional decision to introduce myself as a "3A" person; someone who lives with addiction, anxiety and awesomeness. People reacted in different ways, most with laughter and empathy. Some just looked at me sideways, but generally it was well received and appreciated. When you open up to others and start talking about your own journey, they open up, too, and begin sharing.
So this is where I'm at on my journey, contemplating the value of "secrets" and why so many of us feel we need to respect or keep secrets. I find that secrets are the most damaging aspect of our ability to engage; being an open person has allowed others to open around me, and I have met some incredible survivors of horrible parenting, sexual and emotional abuse, crippling disabilities, etc., who have grown to become the most kind and considerate people I've ever met. When they open up and share their trauma, it's a beautiful thing.
We need to be more open to each others' pain, and more open to being more open, without veering into self-pity and being victims. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. As Ram Dass reminded us, "We are all here to walk each other home." I welcome this conversation, and I'm grateful to have found you as a mentor in my own struggles to be real again.
I love the idea of being a 3A person — addiction, anxiety and awesomeness! Thanks for that!
The more authentic we are about our true challenges, the more vulnerably we can “walk each other home,” the more this human journey supports us. Thank you for sharing so nourishingly!
I have been “stuck” for most of the last two decades. Not sure how to get unstuck, but I am working on it. One day at a time. I make progress every day.
Hi Chris! Great article. When I feel stuck, I procrastinate more, run errands, avoid having a routine and berate myself for not being productive. I felt productive and refreshed last night staying up late, organizing and looking at some projects I want to work on this year. For some reason, I seem better at it lately late at night than early in the morning. My name's Faye Riley. I am a writer, teacher, artist and filmmaker. I'm starting my own company that specializes in microcoaching. It's been in the works for a long time and launches this year.
So many things resonate for me with this post. I am neurotypical but work with many neurodiverse youth (and neurotypical) who are always looking for "hacks" and tools for productivity and building towards achievement. It is always an interesting conversation when I counter with "what would happen if you weren't productive?" and mostly they say they would be happier! It's a great reframe.
I am always learning from your post and sharing those take-aways with the youth I serve. Thank you for being so transparent in your writing!
First, I’m glad you’re okay. Second, glad you’re writing about this for the sake of learning more about it and processing it and the benefit of others learning with you - it’s something we just don’t talk about a lot because it can hinder our opportunities. I continue to look forward to reading about your journey but not at the expense of more harm than good! Please take good care and I would love to chat, say hello and jam on life, work, mental health, oh and a little idea I have called “book buddy” and I thought about you and your books and would love to jam on.
Awesome, Chris. I'd love for you to sign up to BookBuddy as an Author at https://trybookbuddy.com. BookBuddy is a new idea I'm tinkering on and turning books into a new experience for readers and fans. I have this idea to have a great conversation with The $100 Startup. You game? If so, please complete the waitlist form and I will email you soon!
Hey Chris, I’ve always been a fan of your work ever since I read The Morning Miracle - game changer for me! Thank you 🙏 I host writing retreats and therapeutic journaling workshops. I’m on a mission to help as many people ‘rage on a page’ and learn how to channel their emotions into something more positive and creative. Whenever I get stuck I go for a walk with my ridgebacks, they certainly keep me on my toes. Great companions and good listeners 😂
Lovely to be interested to your work. My word for the year is slow. When I can’t finish everything and the overwhelm hits- I remind myself it’s ok I can take my slow time. And part of that js letting go of doing everything I want which is hard when my aspirations are bigger than my time capacity.
Feeling stuck has been a regular occurrence for me for a very long time...there are times when I finally feel like I’m on the right path and unstuck. But then it happens again and again. I would love to be free of it more permanently. My personality type is INFJ with ADD and C-PTSD. So finding myself, what I really want to do with my life, how to be happy and feel free has been very challenging. I also want to be more productive and I do have times of focus...but it doesn’t happen as often as I’d like. I’ve tried different methods for productivity but they didn’t work as I’d hoped. I’m so glad that you have started this Mental Health project! I’m looking forward to your posts!
I'm pretty new to Substack, but I joined (largely in exchange for social media) because I wanted to focus more on connecting with other people on a deeper level. In my own publication, I'm exploring what I'm coming to discover about my struggle with perfectionism, and I'm gratified to keep coming across other people like you, Chris, who are talking about mental health. I'm excited to follow along this journey with you.
I worked in IT for years, never getting the respect I deserved but knowing somehow I expected it. Then I wrote a book. First one I independently published, but then my second one I tried to get a literary agent with 100% rejection rate. So I changed genres because nothing is worse than agents dancing around like IT guys, telling me my code was bad when it wasn't. So will self-publish second book because yes, people are waiting for it. Still, did I sabotage myself somehow because of the people who told me "that's pretty good for a girl " most of my life? I will never know....
I had a busy and mostly happy early adult life. I had a novel published in my early 20s, founded a big, successful non-profit organization and ran it for years in my late 20s and early 30s; raised three challenging children, coached many hundreds of dogs and their people to live happily together, traveled around the world,...and then I got sick. I've experienced a domino effect of one serious illness after another for ten years now. I've spent most of that time housebound, living alone. Finally I am ready to rejoin the world at 64 (though cautiously; I'll never assume never-ending good health again). And I have no idea what to do, how to make my life meaningful again. I don't need band-aid fixes of activities, I need to find a way to put the pieces of myself back together into a new pattern that will bring me back to life. I'm hoping to get some sparks from this project of yours that might start the fire I need.
Hey Dixie, amazing summary. maybe the illness broke the pieces of "your self" that were covering the deeper meaning you're seeking ??? :)
Thanks for the thought - but I'm not seeking "deeper" meaning, just a sense of purpose in everyday life that works for me. The main effect the years of illness had on me was to separate me in space and time from what I was doing before. My friends and cohorts have moved on, my activities ended. I feel almost like a blank slate - with a whole lot of life experience behind me.
This. I’m of similar age and stage. 💪🏻
A year after I married for the first time at age 49, and my mom died a week after my wedding, and adjusting to living in a new city with my husband, being a stepmom to tens and young adults, and working for a large company doing consulting that did not align with my valued... and missing my mom every day (we were close), I had an immune system crash. I ended up changing what I ate and used a rotation diet and sloooowwwwed down. I have no symptoms of this immune system crash 25 years later. I think it's exciting that you have a blank slate and the opportunity to create a whole new set of life experiences. Wish you the best. Marilyn
I gave up on productivity measures in the middle of COVID when I realized all the tools were doing to me what they were doing to you. Many of those tools aren't really designed to make our lives better, I think they are designed to sell the tool. Which is totally fine and I know they work, I just felt sort of used up by the systems. I almost always feel refreshed after connecting with intention to another human. When I'm feeling at my worst, I know it's time to do the exact opposite of what makes productive sense. I need to just go connect with someone that has nothing to do with the thing I'm trying to fix/create/finish/start. My other go to is getting outside and connecting with nature and really noticing the details of the small moments. Those are kind of total opposites, but they both work for me.
Great input. I love this sentence: "I almost always feel refreshed after connecting with intention to another human." 💥
Amen to the "tool-selling" perspective....
I’m a deep practitioner of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and believe most of what we’ve we’ve been taught about ourselves as humans is wrong, so I’m excited for this project too!
For starters, the mind is multiple, not unitary. It’s not “me,” it’s “we.” The further I take this, the more my life transforms. I wrote about IFS from 20 years and over 6,500 hours of personal IFS practice at radicalifs.substack.com.
Just this ONE reset can transform everything, and that’s just ONE! Here’s to learning many more this year!
That's awesome! I know a bit about IFS (and it's been very insightful). I'll check out your Substack to learn more. :)
The more I honor my parts, the truer I feel. When I'm able to see those sides of myself, I'm able to meet myself with way more grace and compassion. Love IFS work. Will check out your 'stack.
“The more I honor my parts, the truer I feel.“ YES! What a beautiful, succinct way of expressing why and how IFS makes us feel better! Thanks for saying that Leigh!! I’m all IFS all the time and love becoming more and more able to honor my parts on every level, inside and out!
My current therapist (who I've been seeing for almost 2 years) introduced me to the work. It's been extremely validating.
I feel like everyone who stumbles onto IFS done well wins the lottery of finding inner work that works!!
I feel the same way — I had a therapist who did IFS over 20 years ago, and I was just so lucky to stumble onto it. So validating, human, and EFFECTIVE! So glad your therapist does IFS!!
Parts work = Gold
I have had a little contact with IFS and found it helpful. A book that I found really helpful in addressing the different parts of self is Negotiating the Inner Peace Treaty Becoming the Person You Were Born to be by Chelsea Wakefield Lcsw, for what it's worth.
Looking forward to this series - I know it will benefit so many people, myself included. When I feel stuck, I set up virtual coffee dates with friends who inspire me. I always walk away from these conversations with new ideas and more motivation. If you don't have many friends, reach out to someone who inspires you and TELL THEM that they inspire you and that you want to connect with them. Thanks for all you do, Chris. -- you inspire me ;)
Trina! Your work helps so many people, and I'm so glad you'll be around for this. (Everyone, check out Trina's Substack and also follow @myladyadhd on Instagram.)
Hey Chris, I am retired now and for a while it's felt like a good thing going. Yet lately things have felt kinda purposeless. Looking to find a way to 'stop hyper focusing on procrastination' (to use your term) and start doing something beyond just the daily chores of life and tending to my dog.
Art, writing, part time job or volunteer position. Not sure what will fill this hole. But I think it's something that will enhance my life if it can be discovered.
Laurie Ann
Thank you for your open and honest approach; this is so refreshing and generous! So much of what you are saying resonates with me; society's constructs are now in tatters at my feet, revealed as discompassionate tools for control. I'm a medical researcher and writer, and while research has become another shallow pool of manipulated information (taken over by Big Pharma), there are groups looking into more natural, therapeutic solutions to our collective malaise. As one example, (and duh!) they have now proven scientifically that the best activity to stimulate our happiness is simply talking to each other and engaging on a soul level. We've always known this, and yet we continue to hide in our homes, avoid challenging situations (such as speaking in public) and be wary of the risk of "putting it all out there."
I was told in therapy that I was "parenticized" at an early age, and subsequently became a lifelong people pleaser. This is a tough one to reset, because the opposite of pleasing is being rejected, in the current mindset. And rejection is huge to me. When I moved to a new location four years ago, I made the intentional decision to introduce myself as a "3A" person; someone who lives with addiction, anxiety and awesomeness. People reacted in different ways, most with laughter and empathy. Some just looked at me sideways, but generally it was well received and appreciated. When you open up to others and start talking about your own journey, they open up, too, and begin sharing.
So this is where I'm at on my journey, contemplating the value of "secrets" and why so many of us feel we need to respect or keep secrets. I find that secrets are the most damaging aspect of our ability to engage; being an open person has allowed others to open around me, and I have met some incredible survivors of horrible parenting, sexual and emotional abuse, crippling disabilities, etc., who have grown to become the most kind and considerate people I've ever met. When they open up and share their trauma, it's a beautiful thing.
We need to be more open to each others' pain, and more open to being more open, without veering into self-pity and being victims. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. As Ram Dass reminded us, "We are all here to walk each other home." I welcome this conversation, and I'm grateful to have found you as a mentor in my own struggles to be real again.
I love the idea of being a 3A person — addiction, anxiety and awesomeness! Thanks for that!
The more authentic we are about our true challenges, the more vulnerably we can “walk each other home,” the more this human journey supports us. Thank you for sharing so nourishingly!
I have been “stuck” for most of the last two decades. Not sure how to get unstuck, but I am working on it. One day at a time. I make progress every day.
Hi Chris! Great article. When I feel stuck, I procrastinate more, run errands, avoid having a routine and berate myself for not being productive. I felt productive and refreshed last night staying up late, organizing and looking at some projects I want to work on this year. For some reason, I seem better at it lately late at night than early in the morning. My name's Faye Riley. I am a writer, teacher, artist and filmmaker. I'm starting my own company that specializes in microcoaching. It's been in the works for a long time and launches this year.
So many things resonate for me with this post. I am neurotypical but work with many neurodiverse youth (and neurotypical) who are always looking for "hacks" and tools for productivity and building towards achievement. It is always an interesting conversation when I counter with "what would happen if you weren't productive?" and mostly they say they would be happier! It's a great reframe.
I am always learning from your post and sharing those take-aways with the youth I serve. Thank you for being so transparent in your writing!
First, I’m glad you’re okay. Second, glad you’re writing about this for the sake of learning more about it and processing it and the benefit of others learning with you - it’s something we just don’t talk about a lot because it can hinder our opportunities. I continue to look forward to reading about your journey but not at the expense of more harm than good! Please take good care and I would love to chat, say hello and jam on life, work, mental health, oh and a little idea I have called “book buddy” and I thought about you and your books and would love to jam on.
Wishing you well and a great 2024!
Lizelle! I'm good, not to worry. This is kind of a starting point. :) And yes, let's chat more anytime. I love your work.
Awesome, Chris. I'd love for you to sign up to BookBuddy as an Author at https://trybookbuddy.com. BookBuddy is a new idea I'm tinkering on and turning books into a new experience for readers and fans. I have this idea to have a great conversation with The $100 Startup. You game? If so, please complete the waitlist form and I will email you soon!
Hey Chris, I’ve always been a fan of your work ever since I read The Morning Miracle - game changer for me! Thank you 🙏 I host writing retreats and therapeutic journaling workshops. I’m on a mission to help as many people ‘rage on a page’ and learn how to channel their emotions into something more positive and creative. Whenever I get stuck I go for a walk with my ridgebacks, they certainly keep me on my toes. Great companions and good listeners 😂
Lovely to be interested to your work. My word for the year is slow. When I can’t finish everything and the overwhelm hits- I remind myself it’s ok I can take my slow time. And part of that js letting go of doing everything I want which is hard when my aspirations are bigger than my time capacity.
Love your word of the year!
Feeling stuck has been a regular occurrence for me for a very long time...there are times when I finally feel like I’m on the right path and unstuck. But then it happens again and again. I would love to be free of it more permanently. My personality type is INFJ with ADD and C-PTSD. So finding myself, what I really want to do with my life, how to be happy and feel free has been very challenging. I also want to be more productive and I do have times of focus...but it doesn’t happen as often as I’d like. I’ve tried different methods for productivity but they didn’t work as I’d hoped. I’m so glad that you have started this Mental Health project! I’m looking forward to your posts!
INFJ represent! 🦄
I'm pretty new to Substack, but I joined (largely in exchange for social media) because I wanted to focus more on connecting with other people on a deeper level. In my own publication, I'm exploring what I'm coming to discover about my struggle with perfectionism, and I'm gratified to keep coming across other people like you, Chris, who are talking about mental health. I'm excited to follow along this journey with you.
I worked in IT for years, never getting the respect I deserved but knowing somehow I expected it. Then I wrote a book. First one I independently published, but then my second one I tried to get a literary agent with 100% rejection rate. So I changed genres because nothing is worse than agents dancing around like IT guys, telling me my code was bad when it wasn't. So will self-publish second book because yes, people are waiting for it. Still, did I sabotage myself somehow because of the people who told me "that's pretty good for a girl " most of my life? I will never know....
I’m an artist (who shares a lot on social media) and I can relate a lot to this.
I summarized my situation here: https://www.instagram.com/p/C1cW-CbNIwx/
Excited to read more here, Chris! 🫶