I recently experienced rejection embarrassment at my gym. One woman got mad at me for doing the 'share the lane' in the pool I managed to get through that but the same day the water aerobics instructor admonished me for not bringing water. After the class I got really irrationally angry. I don't like being told what to do especially in front of a large group.
I'm struggling to go to the gym regularly and I haven't been back for over a month now.
I do SO identify with your story about ADHD. Reminds me of all the other things I've given up and left behind in my life. Don't know if I can change now as I am well into my 60's. Gonna consider it though.
After chatting with my therapist about ADHD symptoms, I (44F) finally spoke with my primary care provider about it. She suggested trying medication instead of providing a referral for an official psychiatrist diagnosis, which could take a year to get through the process. OH MY WORD!
I had no idea what I'd been missing out on my whole life. I never understood how people could just say they want to do something and then actually do it. I didn't go in seeking medication, but it's been a few months now and I wouldn't want to live the old way again!
You know, when you know that something isn't right?
Well, something has been wrong for over 15 years.
I was diagnosed with C-PTSD last year - which explains a lot. I'd always had it, but it was "somewhat" under control, although I do tend to overreact in certain situations. It was triggered by a contract where I was in a toxic environment, and felt abandoned. It was bad!
I am very rejection-sensitive (as is my daughter, who has been diagnosed with ADHD).
I am constantly misunderstood. Currently, my eldest daughter isn't talking to me and has blocked my access to my granddaughter. One of my cousins isn't talking to me (I only have 4 cousins). One of my aunts isn't talking to me (I only have 2 aunts - and the other one hasn't spoken to me for decades, but it's different with her.) My youngest sister isn't talking to me (only 2 sisters).
My go-to is dissociation so I don't fall into depression, or worse, which happened 5 years ago. Dissociation worked better last year after my Dad died. It's not working as well with being shut off from my granddaughter, who turns 6 in 2 days.
I procrastinate (heck, I'm supposed to finish my book before I go to Patagonia on the 16th). I've done everything but open the manuscript today!
And yet, when everything is going well, I'm high-functioning, productive, and the epitome of success. I just haven't been there for a long time.
Loved reading this (and seeing the hand+tree in Devon!) I'd extend the idea to say that we make terrible decisions any time that there's an emotion present that we're resisting or avoiding feeling. There's also some pretty interesting science (from Damasio) showing that it's quite literally impossible to make any decisions without connection to our emotions. And this is also more challenging for those with ADHD (often correlated with lower levels of interoception), and therefore attunement to emotions that are present is (at least by default) more challenging.
VET YOUR DOCTORS! Please! There are good ones and...not so good ones. In my experience, most are not so good. The right doctor can do wonders and the wrong one can wreak havoc. It took me....3 tries to find a good doctor, but it helped 1000%. Same goes for so many people I know - they went years with the same doctor, never improving or even getting worse, but rapid improvement after finding a truly competent doc. Especially here in the U.S. you have to be careful - so many docs are pressed for time, in it for the money and burned out.
Chris, this couldn't be a more timely newsletter. One of my goals in 2024 is to explore a possible ADHD diagnosis. My talk therapist has been encouraging me to do this for 4 years - though no journey is the same, this story and your writing today literally helped me just send the message. Thanks - you never know how sharing might help someone else! :)
Oof, this. Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is a Thing, and I not only agree that in your experience, you might still be stuck if you had not been able to make changes to your executive functioning skills on your own... but I think this is one of the biggest problems with mental health and neurodivergence care today, is that the system is the least accommodating to the people who need it the most. It makes me incredibly angry (and makes me glad that I have been able to learn how to advocate for myself and some people close to me, but WOW has it been a hard road...)
But in other news, my amazing kitten, Oliver (Sir Oliver Joseph Bear III, Bravest of His Name, aka Ollie), is named for Oliver Twist, because when Ollie finishes eating, his first response is, "Please, Mx., might I have some more?"
For me, there's a super thin line between feeling embarrassed or ashamed. I hate feeling embarrassed, but I can usually move on with that. Kind of like a cramp that is annoying, but not debilitating. Ashamed is more likely to make me want to hide under a blanket and never, ever do that thing again. I've noticed as I age that less things make me feel shame, but every now and then it gets me. And to use your example, it's usually health related which is why it is so dangerous. For example, I strongly believe you would have more people seek medical care if they weren't first asked to step on a scale. Seriously. First you have to cross the original shame engine of all women everywhere and if you pass that test, we might not believe you about your adhd anyway. F@#k that. I hate it.
I totally feel you on the RSD and late-in-life ADHD thing. I was also dismissed as "drug-seeking" the last time I was trying to get my life together (and an official diagnosis). It was so demoralizing, I basically gave up for a decade. I've finally gotten a diagnosis in my fifties, and although we're still experimenting with medication, I have a coach and a process that's made a world of difference for me!
I was just officially diagnosed with ADHD last month (at age 64). I decided to try medication and I am stunned with the difference. It seems counterintuitive, but taking a stimulant (generic Vyvanse), chills me out and my ability to focus has increased exponentially. And 4 of our cats are Ming, Meeko, Mater, and Max - Disney references, chosen by my (adult) daughter.
Number 4: current pet - Sarah. I found a stray cat just before lockdowns started. She was absolutely beautiful, if you discounted the smell from her rotten teeth and multiple other health issues. She groomed incessantly to try and get rid of it. I toyed with calling her princess, but it seemed a bit OTT. Sarah means princess, so I went with that. Previous pet - Billy. This guy was not coping with his former home and I was without a pet, so he came to me. He’d had a range of names prior to getting to me, and a habit of walking up and head-butting you to get attention, and he always wanted attention. I figured he was more like a Billygoat than the cat he resembled, and so Billy he became.
All five of our cats came with names, only one kept theirs. The others got names based on a variety of other factors. Chupa's might be the most interesting. Her original name was something like "glitter." I don't like the way that word feels in my mouth, so I knew it had to go. Chupa was the most sickly looking of the kittens we were fostering. Her fur was sparse, her belly distended, and her eyes bulging. I referred to her as "the Gollum," my husband called her "chupacabra." Chupacabra got shortened to "chupa," and it stuck. Chupa means "suck" in Spanish (as in the verb, not the adjective), and Chupa had the habit of sucking on earlobes when she was an infant. So the name was also appropriate to her behavior. Hers is also the easiest to match to a variety of tunes, and so we often regale her with songs consisting almost entirely of her name. (Her full name now is "Chupa Lupa," which is almost a song in itself.)
I am thrilled you are dedicating a year to writing about the topic of mental health. I was struggling BADLY in grad school and had a good idea of what was wrong. I was considering dropping out my final semester. I went to mental health services on campus and told them what was happening and that I believed I had bipolar due to my symptoms and family history. They denied me and told me I had anxiety and depression not bipolar. They prescribed me an SSRI, which I now know can work well for depression but can cause bipolar people to experience SI. While I did barely graduate grad school (thanks to a a teacher and mentor I will never forget helping me) I wasn't able to attend my graduation or my graduation party, and within 2 months was in a mental institution due to SI and being properly diagnosed with bipolar and treated with appropriate medication.
I think about that meeting all the time, where I told them what was wrong and was told I was wrong instead. I also still morn the fact that I wasn't able to properly mark or celebrate one of my biggest accomplishments in life. I wasn't even 100% sure I had graduated until I got my diploma in the mail.
I did however get a tattoo on my wrist to commemorate my Master's degree, it says "Endure" on one side and on the other side "Create". This is an everyday reminder of the skills that got me through.
I absolutely go into panic/rejection mode when rebuffed by staff or entering a place where I am either alone or don't know the ropes of the situation. Only with excessive research and visualization can I tackle new things in new places (I do it because I love new experiences, but I have to mentally prepare myself.) My driver is CPTSD, rather than ADHD, from living in a household with a violent family member. I was the "good" kid who was always on alert, so if anything went wrong, I could respond quickly, clean up other people's messes, and de-escalate any situation. It's hard to turn off in benign situations when that high alert setting kept me safe for so long (and frankly, is the main reason I'm good at my project management job). I also feel safer if I can fly below the radar and feel invisible. Being called out by teachers, doctors, or waitstaff, etc. is my personal hell. I really felt this entry!
This was illuminating, mainly because it never occurred to me that you're human like the rest of us. Of course you are.
Based on the past ten years of my career, partnering with horses to coach some very high achieving folks - I would add one more layer of perspective. Working with horses gives me the benefit of their immediate bio feedback - they read the energy of emotions, the energy we give off in surviving states and thriving states. When with the horses, clients can't hide their underlying emotions, even from themselves. The horses pick it up, and give me the cue to dig deeper. "Rejection" comes up often with my clients. What I've learned is that rejection is the first layer of the story. More of a perception than a feeling. The underlying or subconscious belief system one attaches to the story, and the emotion or emotions that fuel it are what send people into states of survival - and all these factors fuel the behavior. At this stage, I agree we are not rational - but I would say we are also not really even making decisions. Without a pretty deep awareness of what is happening internally, a cascade of things happen without much decision making involved. Fleeing a situation, people pleasing, control, perfectionism .... all these wonderful coping behaviors show up as a way to help us get by. A way to avoid some deeply painful past emotions. It might not ever fully go away, but we can learn to recognize all of it in an instant, allow it, investigate it, have compassion for all of it - and then make a thoughtful decision about the behavior we choose in the face of it.
Connect with the challenging (and informative) emotions. Get familiar with the behavior pattern associated with it. Discern how much of them are connected to autonomic patterns, beliefs, and emotional wounds stored in the body, and the pattern becomes more easily recognized. More easily felt before the defense mechanisms and coping systems kick in and take over. Developing a high tolerance for recognizing when old patterns are coming up, and leaning into uncomfortable emotions (vulnerability, shame, anger, frustration....) becomes much easier when one understands some of the underlying factors. WIth awareness, these emotions become fuel for transformation, and with pause a little more choice enters the arena. And this gives the opportunity to make a decision about how we show up.
I recently experienced rejection embarrassment at my gym. One woman got mad at me for doing the 'share the lane' in the pool I managed to get through that but the same day the water aerobics instructor admonished me for not bringing water. After the class I got really irrationally angry. I don't like being told what to do especially in front of a large group.
I'm struggling to go to the gym regularly and I haven't been back for over a month now.
I do SO identify with your story about ADHD. Reminds me of all the other things I've given up and left behind in my life. Don't know if I can change now as I am well into my 60's. Gonna consider it though.
After chatting with my therapist about ADHD symptoms, I (44F) finally spoke with my primary care provider about it. She suggested trying medication instead of providing a referral for an official psychiatrist diagnosis, which could take a year to get through the process. OH MY WORD!
I had no idea what I'd been missing out on my whole life. I never understood how people could just say they want to do something and then actually do it. I didn't go in seeking medication, but it's been a few months now and I wouldn't want to live the old way again!
You know, when you know that something isn't right?
Well, something has been wrong for over 15 years.
I was diagnosed with C-PTSD last year - which explains a lot. I'd always had it, but it was "somewhat" under control, although I do tend to overreact in certain situations. It was triggered by a contract where I was in a toxic environment, and felt abandoned. It was bad!
I am very rejection-sensitive (as is my daughter, who has been diagnosed with ADHD).
I am constantly misunderstood. Currently, my eldest daughter isn't talking to me and has blocked my access to my granddaughter. One of my cousins isn't talking to me (I only have 4 cousins). One of my aunts isn't talking to me (I only have 2 aunts - and the other one hasn't spoken to me for decades, but it's different with her.) My youngest sister isn't talking to me (only 2 sisters).
My go-to is dissociation so I don't fall into depression, or worse, which happened 5 years ago. Dissociation worked better last year after my Dad died. It's not working as well with being shut off from my granddaughter, who turns 6 in 2 days.
I procrastinate (heck, I'm supposed to finish my book before I go to Patagonia on the 16th). I've done everything but open the manuscript today!
And yet, when everything is going well, I'm high-functioning, productive, and the epitome of success. I just haven't been there for a long time.
I write this with tears running down my face xo
Loved reading this (and seeing the hand+tree in Devon!) I'd extend the idea to say that we make terrible decisions any time that there's an emotion present that we're resisting or avoiding feeling. There's also some pretty interesting science (from Damasio) showing that it's quite literally impossible to make any decisions without connection to our emotions. And this is also more challenging for those with ADHD (often correlated with lower levels of interoception), and therefore attunement to emotions that are present is (at least by default) more challenging.
I wrote more about this here if anyone is curious: https://every.to/p/the-best-decision-making-is-emotional
VET YOUR DOCTORS! Please! There are good ones and...not so good ones. In my experience, most are not so good. The right doctor can do wonders and the wrong one can wreak havoc. It took me....3 tries to find a good doctor, but it helped 1000%. Same goes for so many people I know - they went years with the same doctor, never improving or even getting worse, but rapid improvement after finding a truly competent doc. Especially here in the U.S. you have to be careful - so many docs are pressed for time, in it for the money and burned out.
Chris, this couldn't be a more timely newsletter. One of my goals in 2024 is to explore a possible ADHD diagnosis. My talk therapist has been encouraging me to do this for 4 years - though no journey is the same, this story and your writing today literally helped me just send the message. Thanks - you never know how sharing might help someone else! :)
The name of my pet and why I chose it.
I adopted "Gazpacho" from the local cat shelter Street Cats. Since "Gazpacho" is a bit unwieldy for a cat I renamed him Gus.
Oof, this. Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is a Thing, and I not only agree that in your experience, you might still be stuck if you had not been able to make changes to your executive functioning skills on your own... but I think this is one of the biggest problems with mental health and neurodivergence care today, is that the system is the least accommodating to the people who need it the most. It makes me incredibly angry (and makes me glad that I have been able to learn how to advocate for myself and some people close to me, but WOW has it been a hard road...)
But in other news, my amazing kitten, Oliver (Sir Oliver Joseph Bear III, Bravest of His Name, aka Ollie), is named for Oliver Twist, because when Ollie finishes eating, his first response is, "Please, Mx., might I have some more?"
For me, there's a super thin line between feeling embarrassed or ashamed. I hate feeling embarrassed, but I can usually move on with that. Kind of like a cramp that is annoying, but not debilitating. Ashamed is more likely to make me want to hide under a blanket and never, ever do that thing again. I've noticed as I age that less things make me feel shame, but every now and then it gets me. And to use your example, it's usually health related which is why it is so dangerous. For example, I strongly believe you would have more people seek medical care if they weren't first asked to step on a scale. Seriously. First you have to cross the original shame engine of all women everywhere and if you pass that test, we might not believe you about your adhd anyway. F@#k that. I hate it.
I totally feel you on the RSD and late-in-life ADHD thing. I was also dismissed as "drug-seeking" the last time I was trying to get my life together (and an official diagnosis). It was so demoralizing, I basically gave up for a decade. I've finally gotten a diagnosis in my fifties, and although we're still experimenting with medication, I have a coach and a process that's made a world of difference for me!
I was just officially diagnosed with ADHD last month (at age 64). I decided to try medication and I am stunned with the difference. It seems counterintuitive, but taking a stimulant (generic Vyvanse), chills me out and my ability to focus has increased exponentially. And 4 of our cats are Ming, Meeko, Mater, and Max - Disney references, chosen by my (adult) daughter.
Number 4: current pet - Sarah. I found a stray cat just before lockdowns started. She was absolutely beautiful, if you discounted the smell from her rotten teeth and multiple other health issues. She groomed incessantly to try and get rid of it. I toyed with calling her princess, but it seemed a bit OTT. Sarah means princess, so I went with that. Previous pet - Billy. This guy was not coping with his former home and I was without a pet, so he came to me. He’d had a range of names prior to getting to me, and a habit of walking up and head-butting you to get attention, and he always wanted attention. I figured he was more like a Billygoat than the cat he resembled, and so Billy he became.
All five of our cats came with names, only one kept theirs. The others got names based on a variety of other factors. Chupa's might be the most interesting. Her original name was something like "glitter." I don't like the way that word feels in my mouth, so I knew it had to go. Chupa was the most sickly looking of the kittens we were fostering. Her fur was sparse, her belly distended, and her eyes bulging. I referred to her as "the Gollum," my husband called her "chupacabra." Chupacabra got shortened to "chupa," and it stuck. Chupa means "suck" in Spanish (as in the verb, not the adjective), and Chupa had the habit of sucking on earlobes when she was an infant. So the name was also appropriate to her behavior. Hers is also the easiest to match to a variety of tunes, and so we often regale her with songs consisting almost entirely of her name. (Her full name now is "Chupa Lupa," which is almost a song in itself.)
It's also slang for blowjob.... 😳 Or so a group of girls were told by guys in Madrid when I was 19!
OMG - I didn't need to know that! LOL!
Ha. Sorry! I thought it might be worth knowing in case someone raises their eyebrows at you one day!
I am thrilled you are dedicating a year to writing about the topic of mental health. I was struggling BADLY in grad school and had a good idea of what was wrong. I was considering dropping out my final semester. I went to mental health services on campus and told them what was happening and that I believed I had bipolar due to my symptoms and family history. They denied me and told me I had anxiety and depression not bipolar. They prescribed me an SSRI, which I now know can work well for depression but can cause bipolar people to experience SI. While I did barely graduate grad school (thanks to a a teacher and mentor I will never forget helping me) I wasn't able to attend my graduation or my graduation party, and within 2 months was in a mental institution due to SI and being properly diagnosed with bipolar and treated with appropriate medication.
I think about that meeting all the time, where I told them what was wrong and was told I was wrong instead. I also still morn the fact that I wasn't able to properly mark or celebrate one of my biggest accomplishments in life. I wasn't even 100% sure I had graduated until I got my diploma in the mail.
I did however get a tattoo on my wrist to commemorate my Master's degree, it says "Endure" on one side and on the other side "Create". This is an everyday reminder of the skills that got me through.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I absolutely go into panic/rejection mode when rebuffed by staff or entering a place where I am either alone or don't know the ropes of the situation. Only with excessive research and visualization can I tackle new things in new places (I do it because I love new experiences, but I have to mentally prepare myself.) My driver is CPTSD, rather than ADHD, from living in a household with a violent family member. I was the "good" kid who was always on alert, so if anything went wrong, I could respond quickly, clean up other people's messes, and de-escalate any situation. It's hard to turn off in benign situations when that high alert setting kept me safe for so long (and frankly, is the main reason I'm good at my project management job). I also feel safer if I can fly below the radar and feel invisible. Being called out by teachers, doctors, or waitstaff, etc. is my personal hell. I really felt this entry!
This was illuminating, mainly because it never occurred to me that you're human like the rest of us. Of course you are.
Based on the past ten years of my career, partnering with horses to coach some very high achieving folks - I would add one more layer of perspective. Working with horses gives me the benefit of their immediate bio feedback - they read the energy of emotions, the energy we give off in surviving states and thriving states. When with the horses, clients can't hide their underlying emotions, even from themselves. The horses pick it up, and give me the cue to dig deeper. "Rejection" comes up often with my clients. What I've learned is that rejection is the first layer of the story. More of a perception than a feeling. The underlying or subconscious belief system one attaches to the story, and the emotion or emotions that fuel it are what send people into states of survival - and all these factors fuel the behavior. At this stage, I agree we are not rational - but I would say we are also not really even making decisions. Without a pretty deep awareness of what is happening internally, a cascade of things happen without much decision making involved. Fleeing a situation, people pleasing, control, perfectionism .... all these wonderful coping behaviors show up as a way to help us get by. A way to avoid some deeply painful past emotions. It might not ever fully go away, but we can learn to recognize all of it in an instant, allow it, investigate it, have compassion for all of it - and then make a thoughtful decision about the behavior we choose in the face of it.
Connect with the challenging (and informative) emotions. Get familiar with the behavior pattern associated with it. Discern how much of them are connected to autonomic patterns, beliefs, and emotional wounds stored in the body, and the pattern becomes more easily recognized. More easily felt before the defense mechanisms and coping systems kick in and take over. Developing a high tolerance for recognizing when old patterns are coming up, and leaning into uncomfortable emotions (vulnerability, shame, anger, frustration....) becomes much easier when one understands some of the underlying factors. WIth awareness, these emotions become fuel for transformation, and with pause a little more choice enters the arena. And this gives the opportunity to make a decision about how we show up.